Please review my IELTS writing task 1. Thank you!

Question

The bar chart presents percentages of three groups of people living in Australia who visit four venues - zoo, library, theatre and cinema.

Overall, cinema is visited the most by the Australian born and new migrants born in English speaking countries, whereas library is the most attractive to new migrants who were born in other countries. It is also notable that all three groups go to theatre the least.

In terms of cinema visit, the Australian born is the highest at 70%, followed by the group of new migrants from English speaking countries, 65%. Visits made by new migrants from other countries account for 20% less than the Australia born, at 50%. In contrast, migrants from other countries visit library the most at 55%, compared to 40% by migrants from English speaking countries, and 38% by the Australian born.

There were 50% of new migrants from English speaking countries coming to the zoo, which is the largest group in this category. The Australian born is the second largest group paying visit to this venue, 41%, and new migrants from other countries, 35%. Similarly, approximately 25% of migrants from English speaking countries visit theatre as opposed to 20%, and 10% by Australian born, and new migrants from other countries respectively.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart presents the percentages of three groups of people living in Australia who visit four venues - zoo, library, theatre and cinema. (Incomplete. What are the three groups of people?)

Overall, cinema is visited the most by the Australian born (wrong expression. "native-born Australians" or "native Australians") and new migrants born in English speaking countries, whereas the library is the most attractive to new migrants who were born in other countries. I~~t is also notable that~~ All three groups go to theatre the least.

In terms of cinema visit, the Australian born is the highest at 70%, followed by the group of new migrants from English speaking countries, 65%. Visits made by new migrants from other countries account for 20% less than the Australia born, at 50%. In contrast, migrants from other countries visit library the most at 55%, compared to 40% by migrants from English speaking (Hyphenated) countries, and 38% by the Australian born.

There were 50% of new migrants from English speaking countries coming to the zoo, which is the largest group in this category. The Australian born is the second largest group paying visit to this venue, 41%, and new migrants from other countries, 35%. Similarly, approximately 25% of migrants from English speaking countries visit theatre as opposed to 20%, and 10% by Australian born, and new migrants from other countries respectively.

Comment:

You can avoid a lot of tedious repetition by labelling the groups in the first paragraph. This is frequently done in scientific articles. The groups are referenced by the labels in the following paragraphs.

Model: (first two paragraphs, ~125 words)

The bar chart gives the percentages of people in each of three groups who visit four venues in Australia: a zoo, a library, a theatre and a cinema. The first group, Group A, consists of native-born Australians, the second, group B, are new migrants from countries where English is the native language, and Group C are new migrants from non-English-speaking countries.

People in Groups A and B, whose native country's language is English, have a similar pattern for visiting these venues in contrast with Group C. English-speakers visit these venues in this order of frequency: Cinema (60-70%), the zoo (40-50%), a library (38-40%) and theater (20-25%). Group C's first choice is the library (55%) followed by the cinema (50%).

(The third paragraph would have a few more details)

Please review my IELTS writing task 1. Thank you!

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