Please review my IELTS writing task 1 essay. Thank you so much!

Question

The line graph illustrates the figure for the electricity made from three sources of energy to contribute to New York City from 1980 to 2000.

Overall, the amount of electricity that is produced from coal and petroleum significantly fluctuated while there was a rise in the figure for natural gas in a period of 20 years. In addition, petroleum was always the source that had the highest productivity in all the time surveyed.

In the year 1980, around 350 kWh of electricity was made from petroleum, compared to about over 200 kWh from coal and slightly under 100 kWh from natural gas. In the next ten years, while the amount of electricity produced by natural gas rose by approximately 250 kWh, the figure for petroleum and coal considerably decreased. In 1990, electricity from petroleum and coal felt to under 350 kWh and 200 kWh respectively.

Until 2000, the amount of electricity made from petroleum and natural gas reached a peak of over 700 kWh and 500 kWh respectively whereas coal experienced a slight decrease to under 200 kWh.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The line graph illustrates (wrong word - "illustrate" means to make a picture. Use this word for diagrams, maps and other graphics that are picture. ) the figure (wrong word. This word is often misused in these essays. "Figure" means a value or quantity primarily in the context of business reporting. It is not generally used in other contexts. Avoid using the word "figure" in IELTS Task 1.) for the electricity made from three sources of energy to contribute to (wrong expression. Contribute means to give to a cause. We contribute money to charity. We contribute our efforts to a good cause. ) New York City from 1980 to 2000. (What are the three sources?)

Overall, the amount of electricity that is produced from coal and petroleum significantly fluctuated (wrong word. There are no fluctuations on this graph. This word is often misused. ) while there was a rise in the figure for natural gas in a period of 20 years. (wrong expression: "over / during this 20-year period" "A period of 20 years" is indefinite. ) In addition, petroleum was always the source that had the highest productivity (wrong word - productivity is the rate at which a company or country makes goods, usually in connection with the number of people and the amount of materials necessary to produce the goods. ) in all the time surveyed. (There is no mention of a survey in the instructions. Do not add extra information.)

In the year 1980, around 350 kWh (wrong abbreviation) of electricity was made from petroleum, compared to about over 200 kWh (??? 200 KWh is the amount of electricity that one refrigerator uses in about 8 or 9 days. New York City had about 8 million people in 2000. ) from coal and slightly under 100 kWh from natural gas. In the next ten years, while the amount of electricity produced by natural gas rose by approximately 250 kWh, the figure for petroleum and coal considerably decreased. In 1990, electricity generated from petroleum and coal felt (wrong word - past of "feel" as in I feel good.) to under 350 kWh and 200 kWh respectively.

Until 2000, the amount of electricity made from petroleum and natural gas reached a peak (wrong word. This is not a peak on the graph. ) of over 700 kWh and 500 kWh respectively whereas coal experienced (Only people have experiences. Coal cannot have an experience. ) a slight decrease to under 200 kWh.

You have misused the words fluctuate, peak, figure and experience. The first 3 are discussed in the "Vocabulary words" post.

Read my posts on Task 1.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

Sample essay: (This is much longer than necessary, but it will give you some vocabulary and expressions to use.)

The line graph compares the amounts of electricity generated from each of three different fuels for the power needs of New York City (NYC) between 1980 and 2000. The fuels are coal, natural gas and petroleum and the units of measure is millions of kilowatt hours (M KWh).

Overall, the electricity demand in NYC more than doubled from 650 M KWh in 1980 to 1400 M KWh in 2000. The largest proportion of the supply came from petroleum which accounted for about half in both 1980 and 2000. In 1980, coal was the second-largest contributor, at about 30%, but it fell to third place in 2000, when it produced about one-seventh of the total need.

Petroleum supplied the largest portion over the entire period, with a minor peak at 600 in 1985 and a low point at about 350 M KWh in 1990. Between 1990 and 2000, it doubled to just over 700 M KWh. Coal started out in second place, at a bit over 200 M KWh in 1990, and rose to a peak value at 300 M KWh in 1985. However, it subsequently declined and was surpassed by natural gas around 1990 at about the same level as it was in 1980. It remained relatively unchanged over the following ten years. In stark contrast with coal, the electricity produced by natural gas went up by a factor of five over the period, from 100 to 500 M KWh. Nearly all of that increase came between 1985 and 1995. Its proportion of the total supply rose from about 15% in 1980 to 35% in 2000.

Please review my IELTS writing task 1 essay. Thank you so much!

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