Please review my IELTS Writing Task 1 and suggest me the way to condense my writing

Question

Topic:My essay:The bar chart compares the number of trips (in millions) of young children's traveling to and from school by five different categories of transportation in a particular nation between 1990 and 2010.Overall, it can be seen that all kinds of transport witnessed a downward trend with the exception of car passengers. Also noteworthy is that the total number of walking trips in both years was the highest figure, whereas its cycling counterpart was the lowest.More specifically, in 1990, traveling to school on foot was the most common way for young students, with well over 12 million trips. This was followed by getting to school by bus, by bike, and combination of on food and by bus which were approximately 7 million, just over 6 million, and just under 6 million trips respectively. In the next 20 years, the number of walking trips and walking-and-bus trips was one-half of their figures in 1990. Moreover, cycling trips and bus trips also saw a decline of 4 million and 2 million respectively.In terms of car passengers, it was the least popular mode of transport in 1990, which accounted for merely 4 million trips. However, 2010 observed a sharp increase in the number of car trips, which rose to over 11 million and overtook that figure of walking trips to become the most popular mode of transport.

Phát Huỳnh Tấn · Accepted Answer

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Phát Hu?nh T?nPlease suggest me the way to condense my writing

First, you need to read the task instructions:

"Summarize the information"
"Select the main features"
"Make comparisons where relevant"

This line is on all Task 1 essays.
The instructions are NOT this: "Write about every nuance, detail, and value."

How does this answer your question?

You need to look at the "big picture" Focus on the most important observations. Do not describe everything. You have to economize on writing more than 150 words, but ideally, less than 200.

A useful skill is to group the categories into larger ones and only write about the groups. For example, in this task, there are two larger groups of transport: requiring a vehicle, and not requiring a vehicle.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar chart compares the number of trips (in millions) of young children's traveling to and from school by five different ~~categories of transportation~~ means in a particular nation between 1990 and 2010.

1. Between X and Y is a description for a line graph with continuous data.

1. Between X and Y is a description for a line graph with continuous data. It is not good for a bar chart with two or three data points.

2. You need to mention the categories. This will give the essay coherence and cohesion because you can mention the categories in the subsequent body paragraphs.

Suggestion:

The bar chart plots the numbers of trips that children aged 5-12 made in going to school and coming home by five different means of travel. Data is from one country for 1990 and 2010, and the means are: by car, by bus, walking, cycling or a combination of bus and walking.

Overall, ~~it can be seen that all kinds of transport witnessed~~ (wrong word. Read my advice.) a downward trend (Trend is for line graphs.) with the exception of car ~~passengers~~. ~~Also noteworthy is that~~ the total number of walking trips in both years was the highest figure, (wrong word. Read my advice. Also your report is incorrect. The number of trips by car was higher than walking in 2010, even if you add in the "walking and bus" category. ) whereas its cycling counterpart (wrong word.) was the lowest.

Suggestion for "overall" paragraph" Three main features:

Overall, only one mode, by car had higher numbers in 2010 compared to 1990. Walking was the most frequent means in 1990, and riding in a car was in 2010. There were far more trips in 1990 than in 2010.

More specifically, in 1990, traveling ~~to school~~ on foot was the most common ~~way for young students~~, (You do not need to repeat this.) with well over 12 million trips. This was followed by getting to school by bus, by bike, and combination of on food and by bus which were approximately 7 million, just over 6 million, and just under 6 million trips respectively. ~~In the next 20 years,~~ the number of walking trips and walking-and-bus trips was one-half of their values ~~figures~~ in 1990. Moreover, cycling trips and bus trips also ~~saw~~ (wrong word. Read my advice.) ~~a decline of~~ (Decline of means a subtraction, so your values are wrong. Cycling trips had a decline of 4 million, from 6 to 2 million..) declined to 4 million and 2 million respectively.

~~In terms of car passengers, it was the least popular mode of transport~~ in 1990, ~~which accounted for merely~~ only 4 million trips were by car.. However, in 2010 observed (wrong word. Years cannot make observations. They do not have the ability to see things. ) ~~a sharp increase in the number of car trips, which rose to~~ it was over 11 million, nearly double the number of those by foot. ~~and overtook that figure~~ (wrong word. Read my advice. "Overtake" is only for graphs where you can see the crossover point. ) ~~of walking trips to become the most popular mode of transport.~~ (You do not need to repeat information that you already gave. Your writing is excessively wordy. You can easily shorten your text with the same amount of information. You do not need a third paragraph.

If you would like a full sample essay, you may ask for one.)

Please review my IELTS Writing Task 1 and suggest me the way to condense my writing

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