Please Review My IELTS Writing Task 1.

Question

Task 1: The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females aged 18-20 in a city who participated in various activities in one month in 2015.My essay:The bar chart presents the proportion of males and females who aged from 18-20 in a city take part in five different sport activities including basketball, cycling, football, swimming, and hockey in a month in 2015.Overall, it is obvious that the majority of people who were involved in sport activities were masculine gender. Cycling was one of the activities that had the highest rate of participants.Football had the highest percentage of male participants in five different activities, was about 52%. The percentage of men who played basketball was about 33%, while just 12% for women. A similar side was witnessed in hockey, the rate of masculine was higher than that of feminine by 7%.The rest of activities was dominated by the females. There was about 75% of the people participating in cycling, while the female rate accounted for 40%. The percentage for males and females was about 20% and 35% respectively in swimming sector.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You barely wrote the minimum word count. Aim for 170-190 words in Task 1.

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar chart ~~presents~~ plots / compares / shows the proportion of males and females ~~who~~ (wrong usage) aged ~~from~~ 18-20 ~~in a city~~ who take part in five different sport activities: ~~including~~ (Including means that you have not listed all the choices.) basketball, cycling, football, swimming, and hockey (The sentence is getting out of control and confusing. Do not put so many ideas in one sentence.) ~~in a month in 2015.~~ The data was taken in one city during one month in 2015.

Overall, ~~it is obvious that~~ (Do not use these useless "dummy-it" clauses. They have no information content and weaken your sentence.) the majority (Majority means greater than 50%. There is only one bar with a majority - men playing football.) of people who were involved in sport activities were men. ~~masculine gender~~.(Very unnatural) Cycling was one of the activities that had the highest (incorrect reporting. Football was higher.) percentage ~~rate~~ (wrong word. There are no rates on this chart.) of participants.

(You did not point out the main features very accurately.)

Football had the highest percentage of male participants ~~in five different activities~~, (That is not good English. delete) was (There is no subject for this verb. Poor English) about 52%. The percentage of men who played basketball was about 33%, while it was just 12% for women. A similar ~~side~~ (wrong word) pattern was ~~witnessed~~ (wrong word) in hockey, the rate (wrong word) of masculine (masculine is an adjective. You cannot use it like a noun.) was higher than that of feminine (feminine is an adjective. You cannot use it like a noun.) by 7%.

The rest of the activities was (plural) dominated by the females. There was about 75% (incorrect. You cannot add the numbers together. See the analysis below.) ~~of the people~~ participating in cycling, while the female rate (wrong word) accounted for 40%. The percentage for males and females was about 20% and 35% respectively in swimming ~~sector~~. (wrong word)

Let's look at cycling.

Suppose in this city there are 10,000 women aged 18-20 and 12,000 men aged 18-20.

According to the chart, one third of the men do cycling. That is 12,000 / 3 = 4,000.
There are 40% of the women who cycle. That is 0.4 X 10,000 = 4,000.

The total of men + women in the group is 10,000 + 12,000 = 22,000.
The total number who cycle are 4,000+4,000 = 8,000.

The percentage of both men and women who cycle is NOT 75%. It is 8,000/22,000 = 36%.

Since you do not have the data on how many men and women were in the 18-20 year old groups, you cannot calculate the percentage for both groups. If the task listed those numbers, you could compute the overall percentages, using the process outlined above.

Read my advice about the misused word "rate". A rate is not a percentage, except in very specific circumstances.

If you would like a sample essay, you may ask for one.

Please Review My IELTS Writing Task 1.

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