Please review my IELTS Writing Task 1

Question

Topic: The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use.Answer:The pie charts illustrate the purposes of energy usage and the greenhouse gas emitted from an Australian house.Overall, it is apparent that the proportion of energy consumption for heating far outweighs that for other purposes. Besides, water heating releases more greenhouse gas emissions than any others.Looking closely at the purpose of power consumption in families in Australia, they spend the most energy on heating, at 42% of the total. This is over twenty times, ten times, and six times as much as the amount of energy for cooling (2%), lighting (4%), and refrigeration (7%) respectively. The second and the third positions belong to water heating and other appliances, which contribute 30% and 15% to the total power usage respectively.Turning to the second pie chart, water heating takes a major responsibility for the total of greenhouse gases. The second-largest amount of emissions results from other appliances, at 28%. Heating contributes just 15% to the total, and this percentage is nearly the same as that for refrigeration. The remaining 11 percent stems from cooling (3%) and lighting (8%).(179 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please attach an image of what you are writing about. We cannot help you if we can't see the figure.

I think another student used this practice essay. If I can find it, I will use that image. But only this one time...
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Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The (How many?) pie charts illustrate (Poor word choice. There are many more natural choices. Read my advice.) the purposes of energy usage and the greenhouse gas emitted from an Australian house. (That is incorrect reporting. The scientists did not go to one house and do these measurements. The description is not good. It says nothing about how many slices are in each chart or what they are. That is essential for coherence and cohesion. Read my advice on how to write the first paragraph.)

Overall, ~~it is apparent that~~ (Wasted filler words. Do not use "dummy-it" clauses, They have no information about the data.) the proportion of energy consumption for heating far outweighs that for other purposes. Besides, water heating releases more greenhouse gas emissions than any others.

~~Looking closely at the purpose of power consumption in families in Australia~~, (Wasted words. This is completely unnecessary. It also contradicts the information you wrote in the first paragraph. Very bad news for your score.) ~~they~~ Australian families spend (Wrong word. We spend money. We spend time. Not energy.) the most energy on heating, at 42% of the total. This is over twenty times, ten times, and six times as much as the amount of energy for cooling (2%), lighting (4%), and refrigeration (7%) respectively. The second and the third positions belong to water heating and other appliances, which contribute 30% and 15% to the total power usage respectively.

~~Turning to the second pie chart,~~ (wasted words) water heating takes a major responsibility for the total of greenhouse gases. (Only people can take responsibilities. Do not use human action words for concepts, data, or inanimate objects. That is not scientific reporting.) The second-largest amount of emissions results from other appliances, at 28%. Heating contributes just 15% to the total, and this percentage is nearly the same as that for refrigeration. The remaining 11 percent stems from cooling (3%) and lighting (8%).

You did not combine the information from both charts in your reporting. Each pie chart and each category was considered separately. That will limit your score. You will not reach the higher band scores unless you combine categories and have a better comparison of the data. The instructions are NOT "write about every detail." They are "report main features" and "make comparisons where relevant." Every Task 1 has the same instructions.

This must be your first practice essay for Task 1. Task 1 is very challenging. Writing good Task 1 essays in the limited time allowed requires a tremendous amount of practice.

Please review my IELTS Writing Task 1

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