Please Review My IELTS Writing Task 1

Question

Topoic: The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph shows the smoking prevalence among men and women in Someland between 1960 and 2000. Units are measured in permillages.

Overall, smoking was more prevalent among men than women over the four decades. However, the difference in the proportions of men and women who lighted up cigerattes was in steady decline. They almost converged in 2000.

In 1960, there were 600 smokers for every 1000 men, six times as high as the number for women at 100 per 1000. Over the next 15 years, the proportion of male smokers declined by one sixth to 500 per 1000 in 1975, when that of female smokers more than trippled to 320 per 1000. Thereafter, the gender gap continued to narrow. The smoking rate among men fell by nearly half to approximately 250 per 1000 in 2000, while that among women slid back to 200 per 1000 at the end of the 40-year period.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The line graph shows the smoking prevalence among men and women in Someland between 1960 and 2000. Units are ~~measured in~~ permillages. (We measure data values, not units. You can write "units are X" or "units of measure are X" "Permillage" is an exceedingly rare measurement unit. Most of the examiners will not know it. However, if you use it in the opening paragraph, writing that it is the units of measure, you need to use it consistently and correctly in the body paragraphs. But you didn't. That shows that you do not understand this word. It is better if you do not use it at all. Then you can keep the body paragraph as written.)

Overall, smoking was more prevalent among men than women over the four decades. However, the difference in the proportions of men and women ~~who lighted up cigerattes~~ (awkward and unnecessary. You already explained what is plotted in the opening paragraph) was in steady decline. They almost converged in 2000.

In 1960, there were 600 smokers for every 1000 men, six times as high as the number for women at 100 permillage ~~per 1000~~. Over the next 15 years, the proportion of male smokers declined by one sixth to 500 permillage ~~per 1000~~ in 1975, when that of female smokers more than trippled to 320 permillage ~~per 1000~~. Thereafter, the gender gap continued to narrow. The smoking rate among men fell by nearly half to approximately 250 permillage ~~per 1000~~ in 2000, while that among women slid back to 200 permillage in 2000. ~~per 1000~~ ~~at the end of the 40-year period.~~

Please Review My IELTS Writing Task 1

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