Please review my IELTS Writing Task 1

Question

The graph below shows the percentage of part-time workers in each country of the United Kingdom in 1980 and 2010.Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevantThe bar chart compares the rate of part-time wage earners in four territories of the United Kingdom (England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales) over two different years (1980 and 2010). Overall, from 1980 to 2010, England, Scotland and Wales experienced a slight increase. However, in Northern Ireland, it witnessed a small decrease of part-time employees. In 1980, 25% of the population of England worked part-time and it went up to over 40% in 2010. The country which had higher percentage was Wales, over 40% of its population worked part-time in 1980. In the next thirty years, the rate rose gradually, at around 45%. Northern Ireland and Scotland were the two countries had lower rates. Especially, Northern Ireland experienced a slight drop, from 15% in 1980 to only about 13% in 1980. Besides, the percentage of part-time workers in Scotland escalated more considerably compared to England and Wales. In 1980, it only had 11% of the population chose part-time work but in 2010, the rate increased, at approximately 19%.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The length of your essay is good, but there are many issues.

You have used many words incorrectly.

Also, you need to review sentence structure, especially relative clauses and comma splices.

The next problem is reporting incorrect values from the chart.

I gave you a link to my advice in your previous Task 1 essay, but you did not understand it.

3. Rate: A rate is not, in general, the same as percentage. A rate involves a division of two values; usually time is in the denominator. For example a rate of speed is (distance travelled)/ (time ). e.g. 40 km per hr. 

So if you have a pie chart with percentages, or a line graph or stacked bar chart, do not use the word "rate" unless it is specifically defined in the data description, for example literacy rate, unemployment rate, interest rate or exchange rate.

The bar chart compares the rate (wrong word. There are no rates on this chart.) of part-time wage earners in four territories (wrong word. A territory is land owned and completely controlled by another country. The people living there have no voting rights. Scotland is a country, not a territory.) of the United Kingdom (England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales) for ~~over~~ (over is used for line graphs where there is a continuous period of time.) two different years (1980 and 2010).

Overall, from 1980 to 2010, England, Scotland and Wales ~~experience~~d (wrong word. You did not read my advice.) had a slight increase. However, in Northern Ireland, ~~it witnessed~~ (wrong word. ) there was a small decrease of part-time workers ~~employees~~. (Employees imply that everyone worked for the same company.)
In 1980, 25% of the population of England worked part-time and it went up to over 40% (incorrect value.) in 2010. The country which had a higher percentage was Wales, (Grammatical error. Comma splice error) over 40% (incorrect value.) of its population worked part-time in 1980. In the next thirty years, the rate (wrong word) rose gradually, (wrong word. Gradually is only used in line graphs. It means that the slope of the line is small. You cannot use it when there are only two data points. ) at around 45%. (incorrect value. The highest line on this chart is 40% and no bar crosses it.)
Northern Ireland and Scotland were the two countries had (ungrammatical. You meant to write a relative clause, but you omitted the relative pronoun. The result is an ungrammatical sentence. ) lower rates. Especially, in Northern Ireland ~~experienced a slight~~ it dropped slightly, from 15% in 1980 to only about 13% in 1980. Besides, the percentage of part-time workers in Scotland escalated (wrong word.) more considerably compared to England and Wales. In 1980, it only had 11% of the population chose part-time work (ungrammatical. You meant to write a relative clause, but you omitted the relative pronoun. The result is an ungrammatical sentence. ) but in 2010, the rate increased, at to approximately 19%.

Please review my IELTS Writing Task 1

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