Please review my IELTS WRITING TASK 1

Question

The pie chart compares the proportion of people who join in voluntary on 6 sectors in 2008 and 2014. Overall, it can be seen that the number of volunteer take part in environment and sport organizations increased, whereas this figure decreased in art, education, others and remained stable in health care.

In 2008, there was 21% people enrolling in environmental program, after that by 2014 this percentage went up steadily, accounting for 29% in the total. At 25% sport was the second most popular organization to join in 2014, although the percentage of sport volunteer just represented 15% in 2008. This percent rose more 10% than the year 2008. In 2008 and 2014, there was no change in medical, around 7%.

In contrast, the percentage of three activities had downtrend over the period. Enrolment on both education and other sectors went down dramatically, approximately 7%. This was similar to art, the percentage decreased slightly from 18% to 12%.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays: IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

The pie chart (wrong form) compares the proportion of people who join in voluntary (wrong expression - incorrect description) on 6 six sectors in 2008 and 2014. Overall, ~~it can be seen that~~ (unnecessary verbiage) the number of volunteer (wrong form) take part in (Ungrammatical clause structure) environment and sport organizations increased, whereas this figure (wrong word) decreased in art, education, others (Ungrammatical series) and remained stable (wrong word) in health care.

Besides all the grammatical problems, you do not describe the figure correctly. The first paragraph is inadequate. How many pie charts are there? What are the six sectors? If you follow my advice, the first paragraph will not mention any of the data values. That comes in the second paragraph.

Model paragraph:

The two pie charts, 2008 and 2014, give a break down of the percentage of volunteers by the types of organization they are working in. There are five named types: education, environment, art, sport and health care. The remaining are grouped into the category "other."

In 2008, there was 21% people (wrong expression ) enrolling (wrong form, also not a good choice of words. "enroll" is for classes, not for volunteer work.) in environmental program, (wrong form) after that by 2014 this percentage went up steadily, (wrong word. You cannot use "steadily" because you do not have any information for 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 or 2013. Only with the intervening years' information can you see a "steady" increase. It could have been going up and down radically.) accounting for 29% in of the total. At 25%, sport was the second most popular organization to join in 2014, although the percentage of sport volunteer (wrong form) ~~just~~ (wrong word order) represented just 15% in 2008. This percent rose more 10% than (wrong word order) the year 2008. ~~In 2008 and 2014,~~ (You do not need to repeat the times. You have already told the reader these two years) there was no change in medical, (wrong word. There is no category labeled "medical." ) around 7%.

In contrast, the percentage of three activities had downtrend (wrong word) over the period. ~~Enrolment on~~ Participation in both education and other types of organizations ~~sectors~~ went down dramatically, approximately 7%. This was similar to art, (comma splice error, ungrammatical sentence) the percentage decreased slightly from 18% to 12%. (You use "dramatically" and "slightly" incorrectly. The decrease from 24% to 17% is a decrease of 29%, 7 / 24. The decrease from 18% to 12% is a 33% decrease, 6 / 18. You cannot say that the 29% decrease is "dramatic" (large) and the 33% decrease is "slight" (small). You are being inconsistent.)

Please review my IELTS WRITING TASK 1

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