Please review my IELTS writing part 1

Question

The graph depicts how many visitors came to a specific Caribbean island in the span of 7 years, from 2010 to 2017.

Overall, the graph contains more lines which go up more than go down. Therefore, it creates a positive correlation between the number of visitors and the years from 2010 to 2017. The graph that shows the total number of tourists is nearly linear.

In detail, visitors who stayed on cruise ships increase gradually from 2010 to 2017 though there is a slight drop in 2012. In 2010, the travelers who stayed on cruises are about 250.000 people, but there are 2 million people did that in 2017. Next, the number of visitors staying on the island started higher than the who stayed on cruises. But there are just some minute increases from 2010 to 2013, and from then the number of tourists just stayed steadily (1.5 million people), even had a minor drop in 2016, when the number of visitors staying on cruise surpassed the numbers of those staying on the island. Finally, the total numbers of visitors to this island increase immensely through 7 years, from just about 1 million people to 3.5 million people.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The graph (What kind of graph?) depicts how many visitors came to a specific Caribbean island in the span of 7 years, from 2010 to 2017. (Incomplete. There are three curves on this graph. You need to tell the reader about the three curves in the first paragraph. Otherwise, they will be confused when they read the rest of your essay.)

Overall, the graph contains more lines which go up more than go down. (How many lines are you talking about? What do they represent? That is very bad.) Therefore, it creates a positive correlation between the number of visitors and the years from 2010 to 2017. (A correlation is between two different measurements. Years is not a measurement. We do not measure years. We measure things like temperature, rainfall, the price of carrots, the number of lizards per acre of land in a national park, the average number of eggs that a certain farmer's chickens lay in a week, the tons of bananas exported each month from Panama, and so on. )

For example, here are two measurements

1) the rate of couples getting divorced in the state of Maine. Maine is one of the 50 states in the USA.

2.) The average amount of margarine (a substitute for butter) consumed by people each year.

The two curves are very similar. When one goes up, the other goes up. When one goes down, so does that other. They are highly correlated.

But that does not mean that one causes the other. The correlation is completely accidental.

The graph (There is one graph. That is the one you mentioned in the first paragraph.) that shows the total number of tourists is nearly linear. (That is not good. Graphs are the entire figure. There are three curves on this graph.)

In detail, visitors who stayed on cruise ships increase gradually from 2010 to 2017 though there is a slight drop in 2012. In 2010, the travelers who stayed on cruises are about 250.000 people, but there are 2 million people did that in 2017. Next, the number of visitors staying on the island started higher than the who stayed on cruises. But there are just some minute increases from 2010 to 2013, and from then the number of tourists just stayed constant ~~steadily~~ (1.5 million people), and it even had a minor drop in 2016, when the number of visitors staying on cruise surpassed the numbers of those staying on the island. Finally, the total number ~~numbers~~ of visitors to this island increased by more than a factor of three ~~immensely~~ through 7 years, from just about 1 million people to 3.5 million people.

Please review my IELTS writing part 1

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