PLEASE REVIEW MY IELTS WRITING ACADEMIC

Question

Nowadays, some people believe that arts should be funded by the government and big companies. Others find that view uneconomical and the money should be invested in scientific researches. Although there are advantages and disadvantages, both sides holds some remarkable points for their arguments.

On the supporters side, they argue that arts bring people the joy that the need in every life to confront with hard life. Arts are the form of entertainments, raging wisely from music, paintings to movies. Art is the most common if not the only way you can detach yourself from reality, forget about all the stress, sadness and sorrow. Arts are also reflections of culture and traditions, therefor, funding arts can help promote tourism and boost the economy for countries that heavily relies on the industry. An art exhibition of a famous painting or a famous architectural building can both attraction many tourists and are just common examples arts importance on tourism.

On the other hand, people argue that money is better invested in scientific projects than arts because science is the future of human. Investing in it can make drastic improvements on people's daily life. The money can also be used to fund medical researches, creating better antibiotics and vaccines to save millions of lives. Not only that investing in scientific projects will benefit humans, it also creates a better world for the ecosystem. It will encourage scientists on their ways finding substitutional materials for plastics and further improve the technologies that will replace fossil fuel.

In my opinion, scientific projects are the ones should receive money from governments and big companies. Science has a more powerful and larger impact compared to arts as it provides and seeks for solutions, methods to improve society and with proper investments, humans through science alter the future.

Long story short, some people believe that arts should receive funding from the government and big companies because it brings and spread joy to people as well as improving tourism. Others believe that scientific projects are the ones to fund as it improve people's living standard, saves lives and solve environmental issues.

word count: 352

please check closely for every minor mistake that I had made and how to correct them so that my essay is in band 8+ .Thank you

Teechr · Accepted Answer

Unknown VNPlease check closely for every minor mistake that I ~~had~~ may have made and show me how to correct them so that my essay score is in band 8+.

You will need to work hard to be able to get 8 and higher in IELTS. When are you planning to do the test?

Here's the first body paragraph.

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On the ~~supporters side, they~~ one hand, some argue that arts deserve funding because they bring various benefits. ~~people the joy that the need in every life to confront with hard life.~~ First, arts, including music, paintings or movies, are ~~the~~ a form of entertainment. ~~, raging wisely from music, paintings to movies.~~ Moreover, art is ~~the most common if not the only~~ a great way ~~you can~~ for people to detach ~~yourself~~ themselves from reality, forget about all ~~the~~ stress ~~, sadness~~ and relax. ~~sorrow.~~ Arts are also reflections of culture and traditions. Therefor, funding the arts can help promote tourism and boost the economy for countries that heavily ~~relies~~ rely on revenue from that sector. ~~the industry.~~ An art exhibition of a famous painting or a famous architectural building can both ~~attraction~~ attract many tourists and are just ~~common~~ some examples to illustrate the economic potential of the arts. ~~importance on tourism.~~

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Topic:

Some people believe that the arts should receive money from government and big companies. Others feel such spending is a luxury and that it would be better if it were invested in scientific projects.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is very challenging to get above a band score of 7. The essay must be extremely well done to get an 8 or higher. A seasoned examiner, who has graded hundreds of essays, will know your approximate band score after reading the first paragraph. That is why the opening paragraph is so critical.

The first paragraph must:

1. Convince the examiner that you have understood the topic. (one or two sentences)
2. Address all elements of the prompt. (one or two sentences)

The ideal length of the opening paragraph is 3-4 sentences.

In this practice topic, since you are asked to "discuss both views", you must indicate that in the body paragraphs, there will be a paragraph for one view, and a paragraph for the other view. The second paragraph should be about the view that is your opinion.

Your thesis statement consolidates all three elements. It is not an advantage/disadvantage essay. Try not to mix essay types.

For example, here is a thesis statement for this topic:

Although many large institutions advocate and support the arts and thus gain great admiration and respect, it is my firm belief that this is misguided. They would be better served by research and development into profitable products and services for the future.

In that thesis statement, I have presented the nugget of one view and stated my opinion with a nugget supporting the opposing view. It is crystal clear to the reader what my essay will cover. First, that there are reasons (e.g. admiration and respect) that organizations do this. Second, it is not a good strategy.

Note:

I used "institution" which incorporates the idea of both government and corporations. An alternative is "organization."

"Misguided" is a high-level vocabulary word and so is "advocate". If you use high-level, common vocabulary in the appropriate context, you will benefit.

One of the secrets to high scores is the effective use of pronouns. Many essay writers do not use the pronoun (e.g. the underlined "this" referring to the first clause) and attempt to put in some noun synonym.

Here is my crib sheet for a task 2 essay. The video below is a lesson on how to write the introductory paragraph.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Unknown VNso that my essay is in band 8+

Most IELTS essay writers who are studying English in high-intermediate or advanced classes get stuck in Band 6, or perhaps 6.5.

It is a significant jump from Band 6 to Band 7, and you cannot possibly achieve band 8 without exceeding all the hurdles to get into band 7.

Here is a good video on the differences between these two bands. Watch it several times and study the presenter's messages seriously.

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