Please review my IELTS task 2 essay

Question

Hi, this is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 2. I would be grateful if I could get some feedback from teachers here. Please review suitable grammar sentences and vocabulary if somes are wrong. Thank you very much for reading my essay.

Topic: Inventors are not as important to society as doctors.

To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

My essay:

There are many people who claim that innovators who innovate many equipment do not bring crucial benefits more than doctors. I completely disagree with this statement because of the following reasons.

First of all, many inventions support doctors in curing patients and disease detection. Despite of well-informed medical knowledge, today doctors still use medical technique machines during finding out disease such as ultrasound machines, X-ray machines,... because it is difficult to diagnose by eyes or using manual methods . Unless there are these machines, doctors will be in difficulties in discovering illness and healing. In addition, the existence of many other technologies which are mini and useful in families help people have better health. So that innovators have similar positives as doctors in enhancing social health.

The second reason is that inventions are not only known as an assistance for the medical industry but also human life. Inventors make people live faster, more simply and improve their daily lives. If there were not creators who created light bulbs or computers, work and daily life would not have been as easy as now. For example, in the west north mountain in Vietnam, there are many families that do not use light because of no electric network, this affect dramatically on work of parents and learning of childrens. Therefore, innovators take many advantages to social life.

To conclude, inventors and doctors also have different benefits to the community about humans’ health and life. Without one of these two people, humans’ life is affected negatively and low-standard living.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You barely met the minimum of 250 words. To be safe, aim for 270-290 words..

There are many people who claim that innovators who innovate many equipment (very poor English "Equipment" is non-count. We do not write one equipment, ten equipment, etc. Also "innovate equipment" is not a natural collocation.) do not bring crucial benefits more than (poor English) doctors. I completely disagree with this. ~~statement~~ (Delete the last part. It is not natural. The examiner knows you are going to support your thesis statement in the body paragraphs. ) ~~because of the following reasons.~~

Example opening paragraph:

There are many people who claim that doctors are much more valuable than inventors, as measured by their contributions to society. I completely disagree since doctors themselves rely heavily on the high-tech medical equipment that would not exist but for talented and dedicated inventors.

First of all, many inventions support doctors in curing patients and disease detection. Despite of well-informed medical knowledge, (That makes no sense. How do you inform an abstract concept such as "knowledge" There are well-informed people. ) today doctors still use medical technique machines (wrong phrase. A technique is a procedure. It is not a machine.) during finding out (wrong verb) disease such as ultrasound machines, (An ultrasound machine is not a disease. You cannot say "a disease such as ultrasound machines...) X-ray machines,... Never use "..." in academic writing. Never use "etc." either) because it is difficult to diagnose by eyes (wrong expression) or using ~~manual~~ old-fashioned, traditional methods . ~~Unless there are these machines,~~ (unnatural) Without these machines, doctors ~~will be in difficulties in~~ would have much more difficulty discovering illness and recommending the proper treatment. healing. (That makes no sense. Healing is a process when a person's body repairs itself.) In addition, the existence (wrong word - Existence does not help or do anything. The devices help people do it.) of many other technologies (What do you mean? Be specific.) which are mini (wrong word) and useful in families help people have better health. So that innovators have similar positives (wrong word) as doctors in enhancing ~~social~~ people's health.

The second reason is that inventions are not only known ~~as an assistance for~~ for applications in the medical industry but also in ordinary people's lives. ~~human life~~. (That does not make sense.) Inventors make people live faster, (wrong word. We can run fast and walk fast. "Live fast" does not work.) more simply and improve their daily lives. If there were not ~~creators~~ people who created light bulbs or computers, work and daily life would not have been as easy as now. For example, in the west north mountain (wrong expression Is there one mountain named "West North"?) in Vietnam, there are many families that do not use ~~light~~ (Light comes from the sun and moon, too.) light bulbs / artificial lighting because the country's electric grid does not go into those remote areas. ~~of no electric networ~~k, (comma splice error) this affect (wrong verb form) dramatically on work of parents and ~~learning~~ the education of childrens. (Children is plural.) Therefore, innovators ~~take many advantages to social life~~.

To conclude, inventors and doctors also have different benefits to the community about (Do not use "human" this way. There are some set phrases with human: human rights, human resources, human needs, and human being. Use "people" in all other cases or the pronouns We, our, and us.) humans’ health and life. Without one of these two people (Is there only one doctor and one inventor?) , humans’ life is affected negatively and low-standard living. (wrong usage)

Please review my IELTS task 2 essay

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