Please review my IELTS task 1 essay. Thank you!

Question

Task 1: The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education center in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants.

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My essay:

The table compares the number of each gender who joined in four courses: drama, painting, sculpture, and language. While the pie chart shows the percentage of course participants in five age groups from smallest to largest: under 20 (teenagers), 20-29 (young people), 30-39 (adults), 40-49 (mid-aged), and over 50 (elderly).

Overall, in the first graph, there were more women than men who participated in evening courses, except for the sculpture class. Furthermore, the gap between two genders in language class was the largest. In the second graph, nearly half of the people taking part in these courses were senior citizens.

The sculpture course was the only one which had the number of men over women, at 10 people compared to 5. Furthermore, men joined in painting class more than other classes, stood at around 25 people, whereas language course had the highest number of women, registered at 40.

42% of people in evening courses were the elderly, which were 16% more than the second-largest figure, the mid-aged group, at 26%. In particular, teenagers had the smallest share among other groups, holding at 5%.

Please check my grammar errors, thank you!!!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The table (Sorry, I cannot see a table.) compares the number of ~~each gender~~ men and women who joined in four kinds of evening courses (drama, painting, sculpture, and language) at a particular institution in 2009. While the pie chart shows the percentage of course participants in five age groups from smallest to largest: under 20 (teenagers), 20-29 (young people), 30-39 (adults), 40-49 (middle-aged), and over 50 (older adults ~~elderly~~).

Overall, ~~in the first graph,~~ Your introduction described a chart and a table. Now you claim there is a graph. Really? Where did this graph come from? Just delete this phrase. there were more women than men who participated in ~~evening~~ these courses, except for the sculpture class. Furthermore, the ~~gap~~ difference between them ~~two genders~~ in language class was the largest. In the second graph, nearly half of the people taking part in these courses were from the oldest age group. ~~senior citizens~~. ( You did not use the term "senior citizens" in the first paragraph. A senior citizen is 65 or older in the common definition. There is no such age group here.

Better: Two thirds of the participants were aged 40 or more. Reason: #1: 42% is quite different from half - 50%. In comparison, 68% is very close to 66.66%. #2 you show the examiner that you can group categories together. Grouping is one form of summarizing and abstracting.)

The sculpture course was the only one which had the number of men over women, at 10 people compared to 5. (Repetitious. You already said this in the overview. Better essays give different comparisons in the detail paragraph.) Furthermore, men joined in painting class more than other classes, ~~stood at~~ around ("Stood at" is bad English.) 25 people, whereas language course had the highest number of women, ~~registered at~~ 40.

42% (Never, never, never begin a sentence with a number in digits.) Forty-two percent ~~of people in evening courses~~ (Repetitious. The reader knows the people you are talking about.) were the elderly, which were 16% more than the second-largest ~~figure~~, (wrong word) the mid-aged group, at 26%. In particular, teenagers had the smallest share among other groups, ~~holding~~ at 5%.

Overall: These are some very high-level points:

Sixty-five men and ninety-five women, a total of 160 people, took these leisure-time courses. The age distribution was heavily skewed towards the older adults. Over two-thirds were over 40 and only 8 were under the age of 20.
The only type of class where more men attended than women was sculpture, which had the lowest attendance (15 people) of all these subjects.

Teechr · Answer

The ~~table~~ bar chart [ 1] compares the numbers of ~~each gender~~ males and females who ~~joined~~ participated in four courses: drama, painting, sculpture, and language at a school for adults in 2009, while the pie chart shows the percentage of course participants in five age groups, from teenagers to people 50 years and older. ~~smallest to largest: under 20 (teenagers), 20-29 (young people), 30-39 (adults), 40-49 (mid-aged), and over 50 (elderly).~~

Overall, ~~in the first graph,~~ [ 2] ~~there were~~ more women than men ~~who participated~~ participated in evening courses in total and in each individual course except for the sculpture class. Furthermore, the gap between two genders in the language class was the largest. ~~In the second graph,~~ Additionally, nearly half of the people taking part in these courses were in the oldest age group. ~~senior citizens.~~

The sculpture course was the only one which had ~~the number of~~ more men ~~over~~ than women. In fact, the number of males (10 people) ~~compared to~~ was double that of females (5 people). Furthermore, more men joined in the painting class (25 people) ~~more~~ than any of the other classes. ~~, stood at around 25 people, whereas~~ In contrast, the language course had the highest number of women ~~, registered at~~ (40 people).

As for the age profile, 42% of people in those evening courses were in their fifties or older, ~~the elderly,~~ which ~~were~~ was 16% more than the second-largest ~~figure, the mid-aged~~ group, people in their forties. ~~, at 26%.~~ In particular, teenagers ~~had~~ represented the smallest share ~~among other groups, holding~~ in that chart, at a mere 5%.

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[ 1]: Be very careful not to make such a basic mistake! The first diagram is a bar chart (or bar graph). It is not a table. ALWAYS go over your own work before you submit it.

[ 2]: Note how we can make the sentence simpler and shorter.

Please review my IELTS task 1 essay. Thank you!

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