Please review my IELTS task 1 essay

Question

Hi, this is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 1. I would be grateful if I could get some feedback from teachers here. Please review suitable grammar sentences and vocabulary if somes are wrong. Can my essay gain 6.5 band ? Thank you very much for reading my essay.

Topic: The charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework in households in one country between 1920 and 2019.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

My essay:

The line graphs show the proportion of electronic gadgets and the number of times that people in one country take to finish housework in the 1920-2019 period.

Overall, three main machines used in households were washing machines, refrigerators and vacuum cleaners. The proportions of these gadgets have increased steadily in this period. The number of hours per week that one household spends doing housework had decreased gradually in the 99 years period.

From 1920 to 1980, the percentage of households with three electrical gadgets grew; contrast to the time of doing housework was a dramatical fall. In this period, the percentage of fridges was the most rapid growth, about more than 95%, while the percentage of vacuum cleaners was more than two times as high as washing machines. In the meantime, the hours of completing housework dropped from about 50 to about 15 hours per week per household.

Between 1980 and 2019, the ownership of fridges stabilized at the point of 100% and vacuum cleaners rose and remained at this point in 2000 and later. While washing machines a 10 percent increase to 75% in 2019. In addition, the time of chores’ completing fell to more than 10 hours per week.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

nlelectronic gadgets

A gadget is a small device that you can hold in one hand.

An electronic gadget might be an electric razor, MP3 player, or bluetooth earbuds. Mostly, we use gadgets in relation to kitchen tools.

Can you hold a refrigerator in one hand?

Kitchen Gadgets

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Your first paragraph is quite incorrect.

The line graphs (how many?) show the proportion of electronic gadgets (proportion of X" means part of X. How can you have half or three-quarters of a washing machine? and the number of times (incorrect. "Times" is a number, a count. How many times a week do you go to the gym? I go at least 3 times a week. It is not a length of time, like an hour or a day.) that people in one country take to finish (incorrect. There is nothing in this data about completing the tasks.) housework in the 1920-2019 period. (That is not a natural phrase.)

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Overall, three main machines used in households were washing machines, refrigerators and vacuum cleaners. (That is not good. It implies that there were other machines on the graph. You should have this information in the first paragraph. There are three curves on the first graph. Machine is not a good word to use.) The proportions of these gadgets (That is incorrect. The graph does not plot proportions of machines. What is half of a machine? ) have increased steadily in this period. The number of hours per week that one household (The value plotted is not from one household.) spends doing housework ~~had~~ (Not the best verb form.) decreased gradually over in the 99 years (wrong form. The plural is incorrect.) period.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

~~From 1920 to 1980,~~ (The time frame is in the first paragraph. It is repetitive and unnecessary to repeat the information.) the percentage of households (You have the correct phrase in this paragraph.) with three electrical gadgets (That is incorrect. It does not plot the percentage of households with one appliance, two appliances or three appliances. You still do not have the correct description of this graph.) grew; contrast (wrong expression) to [ the time of doing housework was a dramatical (wrong word) fall.] (The words in the blue brackets form a main clause, a sentence. You cannot use a sentence as the object of a preposition, in this case "to") In this period, the percentage of fridges was (wrong verb) the most rapid growth, about more (Use one or the other, not both words.) than 95%, while the percentage of vacuum cleaners (You cannot have 40% of a vacuum cleaner.) was more than two times as high as washing machines. ~~In the meantime,~~ (wrong expression) the hours of completing (wrong word.) housework dropped from about 50 to about 15 hours per week per household.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Here is a sample essay for you to study. You need to practice a lot more.

Opening paragraph: describe each graph. You have to use separate sentences because these graphs have different units and subjects.

Notice that the first one has percentage of homes, not percentage of machines, which is completely wrong. It tells the reader that there are three measurements or three curves. One for each type of appliance.

In the "overall" paragraph, there is the observation that the curve for refrigerator is negatively correlated with the curve in the second graph. Correlation refers to the shape of two curves. If they rise and fall together, they are positively correlated. If they go in opposite directions, they are negatively correlated.

Here is an example. You see that the shape" of the curves are very similar. The CO2, sea level and temperatures are highly correlated.

These two curves, A and B are negatively correlated.

The first line graph plots the percentage of homes which had a labor-saving electrical appliance in a particular country between 1920 and 2019. Three appliances are shown: refrigerator, vacuum cleaner and washing machine. The second line graph plots the average amount of time spent weekly on common chores (cooking, cleaning and laundry) per household during the same period.

Overall, a steadily increasing number of families acquired these appliances, especially vacuum cleaners and refrigerators. There is a very strong negative correlation between the percentage of homes with a refrigerator and the number of hours devoted to household chores.

In detail, possessing a refrigerator started at nearly none in 1920, but one was present in every home by 1980. About three in ten had a vacuum cleaner in 1920, and this also increased to every home by 2000. Washing machines started out with the highest value, 40%, in 1920. However, it did not reach 100%, only three-quarters of the homes had one in 2019. As more households acquired these appliances, less and less time was spent on chores. The number of hours per week dropped by 80%, from 50 to 10 hours per week.

Please review my IELTS task 1 essay

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