Please review my IELTS essay - Writing Task 1. Yours sincerely!

Question

The given bar graph depicts the percentages of five Australian cities' population who bought and drank coffee and tea in last four weeks.
In general, there was a noticeable fluctuation in the percentages of the consumption of coffee and tea among citizens from Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, and Hobart.
The percentage of the population bought fresh coffee in both Sydney and Melbourne was around 43%, while the figures for Brisbane and Adelaide were significantly down to below 35%. Hobart's citizens bought fresh coffee over 33% in total.
Moreover, the percentages of five cities' inhabitants who bought instant coffee were notably fluctuated, with the highest figure for Hobart to nearly 55%, whereas Brisbane's was around 53%. Both Melbourne and Adelaide were 48% and 50%, respectively, while Sydney's percent was lowest at above 45%.
Finally, the figure for residents who went to a café for coffee or tea remained steady at 50% in Adelaide, while Brisbane got slight growth to over 55%. This trend continued strongly in Sydney, where it got over 60%, whereas the percentages of Melbourne and Hobart's population who drank coffee were approximately 63%.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The ~~given~~ (Do not use "given" or "provided" or anything else. It is not natural English.) bar graph depicts the percentages of five Australian cities' population who bought and drank coffee and tea (This is not possible to describe in one sentence.) in last four weeks. (Your description is not good. There are three values that are plotted: percentage buying fresh coffee, percentage buying instant coffee and percentages going to a cafe. Besides, your paragraph is not complete. You need to name the five cities.)

In general, there was a noticeable ~~fluctuation~~ (That is completely wrong. Do not use the word "fluctuation" or "fluctuate." This pattern is almost never seen on Task 1 line graphs. It is invalid for bar graphs. Remove this word from your vocabulry until you learn how to use it. ) in the percentages of the consumption of coffee and tea (That is not what is plotted.) among citizens from Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, and Hobart.
The percentage of the population that bought fresh coffee (Ungrammatical. You have tried to write a relative clause without the relative pronoun. .) in both Sydney and Melbourne was around 43%, while the ~~figures~~ (wrong word) percentages for Brisbane and Adelaide were significantly less, slightly ~~down to~~ below 35%. The percentage of Hobart's citizens that bought fresh coffee was about 38%~~over 33% in total.~~
Moreover, the percentages ~~of five cities' inhabitants who bought~~ buying instant coffee were notably different from each other ~~fluctuated,~~ with the highest ~~figure~~ (wrong word) for Hobart at to nearly 55%, whereas in Brisbane's it was around 53%. Both Melbourne and Adelaide were 48% and 50%, respectively, while Sydney~~'s percent~~ was lowest at above 45%. (55 is above 45, and so is 95. You need to use qualifying adverbs.)
Finally, the ~~figure for residents~~ percentage who went to a café for coffee or tea remained steady (That is for measurements over time. There are no time spans or periods on this chart.) at 50% in Adelaide, while Brisbane got slight growth (That is for measurements over time. There are no time spans or periods on this chart.) to over 55%. This trend (That is for measurements over time. There are no time spans or periods on this chart.) continued strongly in Sydney, where it got over 60%, whereas the percentages of Melbourne and Hobart's population who drank coffee were approximately 63%.

Fluctuation:

Fluctuation is the small changes in one measurement over time with respect to a trend line. The data values go above and below the trend line, either erratically (random fluctuations) or in a regular pattern (seasonal fluctuations.) Fluctuations usually average out to the trend line.

Here are examples.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay:

Note: The description of the data which is plotted on the bar chart cannot be done in one sentence. It is too complex. You have to write a background sentence that describes the survey questions.

A survey was conducted in Adelaide, Brisbane, Hobart, Melbourne, and Sydney asking residents if they had purchased tea or coffee in the past four weeks. The bar chart plots the proportion of residents in each of the cities agreeing to 1) Did you buy fresh coffee? 2) Did you buy instant coffee? and 3) Did you go to a café for tea or coffee?

Overall, the highest percentages were the people who had gone to a café. Except for Adelaide, the majority of residents in each city had done this. In second place were the instant coffee buyers, the city of Adelaide being the exception with slightly less than half.

Sydney, Hobart and Melbourne had the highest proportions on the chart; more than six of every ten people there had tea or coffee in a café. On the other extreme, Brisbane and Adelaide had the lowest percentages; in particular, slightly over one-third (34%) bought fresh coffee. Generally, people in these five cities bought instant coffee more than fresh coffee, and the gap could be fairly wide. In Brisbane, it was nearly 20%, 52% versus 34%. In Adelaide, about half bought instant coffee (50%) and frequented a café, (49%). And in three of the cities, half or more had purchased instant coffee; these were Hobart (54%), Brisbane (53%) and Adelaide (50%).

Please review my IELTS essay - Writing Task 1. Yours sincerely!

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