Please review my Ielts essay. Thanks for your help!

Hi Alphecca, I am grateful for your help with my previous essays. I am a new one and I am learning to write an essay for my Ielts exam next month. I think that I got some troubles with my writing style, like, my sentences are too complex and word choices are informal and unnatural. Would you mind giving me some advice?

Here is another essay of mine:

Topic: There are many advertisements directed at children, such as snacks, toys and other goods. Parents argue that children are under pressure. Advertisers claim that the advertisements provide useful information. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

My essay:

Some products now are taking advantage of marketing to capture attention of target customers, including children. However, there is a raising issue that whether it has impacts on young users or just promotes goods widely for the sake of increasing sales. While I accept with the former idea, I would argue that marketing brings about some advantages itself.

On the one hand, it cannot be denied that marketing is beneficial to people because it is informative and brings about variety of choices. First and foremost, the intention of manufacturers when producing is obviously conveyed through marketing such as printing information about ingredients, amount of calories and products’ origins with a view to purposely meeting the demand of buyers. For example, some parents caring for nutrition food are more likely to choose Australian milk just because they somewhere hear that it is beneficial for children’s immune. In addition, marketing does not always exaggerate. The fact that toys like Lego and Puzzle, as marketed, actually stimulate children’s curiosity by the way boosting their creativity and imagination is a real proof for the truth that marketer has told.

However, some people still hold the belief that marketing has several adverse impacts on children. For example, some products designed with appealing packaging and alluring promotion manage in capturing attention of the children who are supposed to insist on whatever they want. This, as a result, increases manufacturers’ turnover but simultaneously puts pressure on parents’ finance. Moreover, marketers sometimes distorting or exaggerating information can do harm to children somehow. Children, because of their innocence at young age, are unable to distinguish whatever is good or bad to them among variety of products with wide range of temptation.

All things considered, this controversy over advertising on children products seems not to reach a conclusion. Besides, from my perspective, marketing just needs to well manage their publicity while parents are necessary to control their children also.