Please review my Ielts essay. Thanks for your help!

Topic:

Many students are taught to push themselves and try hard to be better than their classmates, rather than work together for everyone’s benefits. Do the advantages of training students to be competitive outweigh the disadvantages?

My essay:

People believe that nurturing plays an important role in building up children’s personalities and behaviors. In terms of that, there is a widespread contention over whether competitiveness is encouraged among students or not. It is believed that everything has its own merits and demerits while competitiveness is not an exception, which will be given as following.

Some people are opposed to the opinion of children’s competing with others due to several drawbacks. In the first place, children may be suffering tension or pessimistic feeling because they are under pressure of being ahead of others in their class. The pressure, statistically, also comes from teachers and their own parents. In addition, some people assume that competitiveness should not be performed in adults’ life, especially in work place. To specify, in a company, employees are expected to put effort into achieving common goals rather than personal ones. The one only focusing on his performance to benefit himself may be considered as selfish or lacking teamwork skill and consequently become isolated.

On the other hand, although competitiveness has its own disadvantages, the strong points cannot be ignored. The primary benefit that it brings about is that children will become more mature, independent, and dedicated. Competing with other students just, even only by obtaining a high score in class, also means that students are equipping themselves with a reservoir of knowledge and full hand of skills to run in a harsh race in the future. Some years later, after graduating from university, they will witness a struggling society with job opportunities and promotion chances waiting. Therefore, preparation renders it possible for them to climb their career ladder and fulfill their ambition of success.

Both sides considered, competitiveness shows both pros and cons. Children had better learn how to compete with others in an appropriate way to minimize the drawbacks that may come.