Please review my IELTS essay. Thanks a lot

Topic: Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

My essay:

The average time spent by the young generation staring at the screen of their mobile devices has been increasing to a concerning level. I believe the causes and potentially harmful outcomes of this should be investigated with scrutiny.

The smartphone is an extremely convenient and helpful tool. In addition to its traditional function of long-distance communication, it now provides us with the ability to perform a variety of tasks, which used to require different sets of tools, such as taking photos, listening to music, watching movies, and surfing the internet. As Elon Musk once stated, the smartphone is gradually becoming a part of us. Therefore, the increase in its usage time is completely justifiable.

For children, however, the situation is more complex since their time on the screen is most likely not used in a positive manner. When options are made readily available to us, we do have the tendency to pick the fun and entertaining ones, even more so for children, whose hasn't yet been trained to focus their minds on the more crucial matters. Unlike adults, who always have a list of priorities of what and when to do things with their smartphones, when a kid is given one with no restriction, they can really get absorbed in things playing games and watching captivating shorts. Without the proper guidance from parents or a sense of direction regarding what to do with it, children can get trapped in an endless cycle of eye-catching entertainment material on the various apps that were designed to do just that. This will slowly build up into a multitude of future problems, such as poor time management, short attention span, and so on.

At the current rate, the lengthy exposure of young people to the screen of their mobile devices could prove detrimental to their future. Nevertheless, it is always more the problem of the users than that of the tools. With careful and deliberate planning of exposure, adults could help children shape better smartphone-using habits by putting restrictions and rules on what and how they can properly use the functions of the device.