Please review my IELTS essay thanks ;3

Question

The graph manifests data about yearly revenue of three bakeries in Calgary over a ten years period from 2000 to 2010.

Overall, Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery showed an upward trend in their annual salary. But Mari Bakeshop's revenue showed an downward trend which was contrary.

As for Amandine Bakery, their income showed no upward or downward trend over a five years period from 2000 to 2005 (under 60000 dollars in revenue) then gradually went up until 2007 when rose significantly in 2008 then went up slowly. Bolo Bakery had two peaks, one in 2003 with 40000 dollars and one in 2008 with a number that was even higher was over 60000 dollars in revenue. However, it varied from 2000 to 2002. But generally, the revenue kept rising.

Mari Bakeshop's earnings was unsteady and had no clear highest point in revenue. But still their highest revenue was near 100000 dollars in 2001 and 2004. Their earnings kept falling down rapidly in general.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

The graph manifests (Not a good word choice) ~~data about~~ (That is not good. What exactly is on the graph?) the yearly revenue of three bakeries in Calgary over a ten years (wrong form. "ten-year") period from 2000 to 2010.

Overall, Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery showed an upward trend in their annual salary. (Wrong word. Only people earn salaries. ) But Mari Bakeshop's revenue showed an downward trend ~~which was contrar~~y.

As for Amandine Bakery, their income showed no upward or downward trend over a five years (wrong form. "five-year") period from 2000 to 2005 (under 60000 dollars in revenue) then gradually went up until 2007 when it rose significantly in 2008 then went up slowly. Bolo Bakery had two peaks, (There are no peaks on this curve. Read my advice about "peak") one in 2003 with 40000 dollars and one in 2008 with a number that was even higher was (ungrammatical) over 60000 dollars in revenue. However, it varied from 2000 to 2002. (That is not very descriptive.) But generally, the revenue kept rising.

Mari Bakeshop's earnings was unsteady and had no clear highest point (That is not rrue. The highest earnings were in 2001) in revenue. But still their highest revenue was near 100000 dollars in 2001 and 2004. Their earnings kept falling, especially after 2007. ~~down rapidly in general.~~

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay:

The line graph compares the annual income of three bakeries in Calgary, Amandine Bakery, Mari Bakeshop and Bolo Cakery, between 2000 and 2010.

Overall, in 2000, Mari Bakeshop surpassed the other two in revenue, with Amandine Bakery coming in second and Bolo Cakery third. Amandine showed a large increase and was in top position in 2010, with Bolo Cakery second and Mari Bakeshop last. Although Mari Bakeshop had declined significantly, the rise in the other two more than compensated as the total for all three went up from about $160 to $210 thousand.

In detail, Mari Bakeshop showed a significant decline, falling from just over $80,000 in 2000 to half that in 2010. Its peak year was 2002, with about $92,000. Amandine Bakery's income was flat between 2000 and 2005, around $55,000. It increased to about $105,000 in 2010, with the largest gain coming in 2007-8. Initially, Bolo Cakery had the lowest income at $20,000, but it more than tripled to about $65,000 in 2010. The largest jumps were 2002-2003 and 2007-2008. Income was flat in the period 2003-7.

Please review my IELTS essay thanks ;3

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