Please review my IELTS essay thanks ;3

Question

There is an enormous gap between rich and poor nations and now getting much wider than before. Generally speaking, i believe that the main cause is the lack of proper educational curriculums. So we must rise the quality of education in poor nations to tackle.

Firstly, lacking of proper educational progams leads to many critical problems sach as unemployment. Because if poor people do not have enough knowledge to be qualified for an occupation, they can not make more money and have to be a physical worker. Secondly, the lack of good quality educational curriculums makes them unable to develop the aspects that needs developing in their countries like sustainable agriculture, mechanic system, science and technology. Furthermore, they do not have fine medical quality also. Consequently leads to epidemics and horrible diseases such as ebola. So we can see that having poor quality education potentially leads to too many problems.

So to solve this, wealthy countries need to provide more support for poor countries by providing things like money, funds and voluntary work. In my point of view, poor countries need more volunteers like teachers to help the education, paramedics and doctors to support medicals problems. Also, poor nations should develop their import and export industry due to its fast economic promotion, more trade means more revenue.

In conclusion, to reduce the gap of inequality between rich and poor nations in which poor nations could not really help themselves, wealthy nations should step in and provide support. But that is just a temporary solutions, poor nations still have to stand up and change on their own and they can not forever be dependent on rich nations.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please do not post blurry images with small text that is difficult to read.

mytramThere is an enormous gap between rich and poor nations and now getting much wider than before.

The sentence is not grammatical. When you use the conjunctions "and" and "but", after a main clause you must write a main clause to join it.

What kind of gap are you writing about?

1. Main clauses with coordinating conjunction:

There is an enormous wealth gap between rich and poor nations and now it is getting much wider ~~than before~~. (That does not make sense.)

2. Complex sentence with dependent relative clause (better phrasing)

There is an enormous wealth gap between rich and poor nations that is growing wider.

3. More compact sentence - much better style.

There is a large and continuously growing wealth gap between rich and poor nations.

mytramGenerally speaking, i believe

That is a very serious error. Essays are not texting messages. They are proper English. Use the "shift" key.

mytramthe main cause is the lack of proper ~~educational curriculums.~~

That is not a good prhase.

the main cause is the lack of education.

mytram So we must rise the quality of education in poor nations to tackle.

The first verb is incorrect. Learn the difference between "rise" and "raise."

Rise takes no object. Raise requires an object.

The sun rises at 7:15 am today.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. (old saying)

Raise the flag high and wave it.
Parents want to raise their children well.

The sentence is not complete. "Tackle" requires an object.

So we must raise the quality of education in poor nations to tackle this problem.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

I have given you very detailed feedback on the first paragraph. I will just highlight the problems in the next paragraphs.

~~Firstly~~, First, the lack ~~lacking~~ of proper educational progams leads to many critical problems sach as unemployment. Because if poor people do not have enough knowledge to be qualified for an occupation, they can not make ~~more~~ much money and have to be a manual laborer ~~physical~~ ~~worker~~. ~~Secondly~~, Second, ~~the lack of good quality educational curriculums~~ (repetitive.) it makes them unable to develop ~~the aspects~~ industries that needs developing in their countries like sustainable agriculture, mechanic system, (that makes no sense) science and technology. Furthermore, they do not have adequate health care. ~~fine medical quality also~~. Consequently leads to epidemics (ungrammatical - no verb) and horrible diseases such as ebola. So we can see that having poor quality education potentially leads to too many problems.

So to solve this, wealthy countries need to provide more support for poor countries by providing things like money, funds and voluntary work. ~~In my point of view,~~ (Do not write your opinions in the body paragraphs. They are arguments supporting your opinion.) Poor countries need more volunteers like teachers to help the education, paramedics and doctors (ungrammatical. Poor countries need more volunteers like teachers to teach the local teachers, and doctors an paramedics to train the local surgeons and emergency medical technicians.) to support medicals problems. Also, poor nations should develop their import and export industry due to its fast economic promotion, (comma splice error) more trade means more revenue.

In conclusion, to reduce the gap of inequality between rich and poor nations in which poor nations could not really help themselves, wealthy nations should step in and provide support. But that is just a temporary solutions, wrong form, and comma splice error) poor nations still have to stand up and change on their own and they can not forever be dependent on rich nations.

Please review my IELTS essay thanks ;3

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