PLEASE REVIEW MY IELTS ESSAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Question

Nowadays, people spend more and more time away from their families. Why? What effects will it have on themselves and their familyThere is a school of thought that people these days do not have time gathering with their families. A variety of possible reasons is attributed for this tendency and this trend has led to both positive and negative repercussions.As people, especially workers and students, are becoming more and more away from their homes, several related reasons could be elaborated. One of the primary culprits is the demand for finance since money holds a vital position due to the high cost of living in the modern world. To be precise, since the last century, costs for expenditures, hospitality and recreation have seen an upward trend, up to ten times, so people have to labour extra hours in their workplaces to make ends meet. Another reason is the desire for career prospects leading to a huge number of blue- collar workers and students in the countryside moving to big cities in order to seek well-paid jobs and prestigious universities.  As a result, this situation has both dark and bright impacts on these people and their families as well. On the one hand, working harder is synonymous with a chance to gain more money and they could share financial burden with their parents. Moreover, their children could be provided with a better educational environment based on the ability to pay for high quality schools and institutes. For example, kids who are in a low-class kindergarten could not have opportunities to be exposed to diversity lessons, namely foreign languages classes as the higher ones. On the other hand, as people are steadily losing their interaction with their families, the relationship between them would also be loosened. To be more specific, members who rarely spend time with their family have more aggressive conflicts since they do not  have a mutual understanding of each other. In conclusion, it is evident that there are some certain reasons for the situation of being apart from family and this has two- edged effects on individuals and their families.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote over 330 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You need to work on your vocabulary; you have many unnatural phrases and poor word choices.

Your ideas seem to be very vague and general, rather than specific and to the point.
Focus directly on the task and the essay prompts. A lot of your writing was not closely or directly tied to the task.

Give examples from your own experience.

There is a school of thought (I don't believe I have ever used this phrase in writing. It is usually used for a discussion on different systems of philosophy, not just one opinion on one particular matter. It seems rather inappropriate for this task. ) that people these days do not have time gathering (wrong verb form) with their families. A variety of possible reasons is attributed (wrong verb form, also "variety of possible reasons is not a very effective phrase. It is rather meaningless.) for this tendency (wrong word) and this trend (wrong word - you have not described any trend.) has led to both positive and negative repercussions. (That is very very vague - everything in the entire world has positive and negative aspects. Be more specific. You are too ambiguous, tentative and general.)

As people, especially workers and students, are becoming (wrong word) more and more away from their homes, several related reasons could be elaborated. (Too genera and non-specific) One of the primary culprits (wrong word ) is the demand for finance (wrong word) since money holds a vital position (not a good expression. Also, you have not connected money with being away from home. You need a more explicit connection ) due to the high cost of living in the modern world. (unnecessary) To be precise, since the last century, costs for expenditures, (wrong word) hospitality (wrong word) and recreation have seen an upward trend, up to ten times, so people have to labour (not a good word choice) extra hours ~~in their workplaces~~ to make ends meet. Another reason is the desire for career prospects leading to a huge number of blue- collar workers and students in the countryside moving to big cities in order to seek well-paid jobs and prestigious universities. (This is off-topic. It is not about a permanent move away from the parents.)

As a result, this situation has both dark and bright impacts (not a good phrase) on these people and their families as well. On the one hand, working harder is synonymous with a chance to gain more money (That is not focused on the topic.) and they could share financial burden with their parents. Moreover, their children could be provided with a better educational environment (wrong phrase) based on the ability to pay for high quality schools and institutes. For example, kids who are in a low-class kindergarten could not have opportunities to be exposed (wrong word) to diversity (wrong word - diversity lessons is learning about minority cultures. ) lessons, namely foreign languages classes as the higher ones. On the other hand, as people are steadily losing their interaction with their families, the relationship between them would also be loosened. (wrong word) To be more specific, members (wrong word) who rarely spend time with their family have more aggressive conflicts since they do not have a mutual understanding of each other.

In conclusion, it is evident that there are some certain reasons for the situation of being apart from family and this has two- edged effects (wrong phrase) on individuals and their families.

PLEASE REVIEW MY IELTS ESSAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

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