Please review my IELTS essay. Thank you so much!

Topic: Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

The youth plays a crucial role in modern societies. It is believed that volunteer work should be a mandate among all young people in their leisure time. While I agree that this would be beneficial to both the youth and the society, I would argue that teenagers already have enough pressure and they have the right to relax.

On the one hand, volunteer work can offer various skills to the youth and values to the society. First, teenagers may have the chance to engage in community works, enabling them to meet people from all walks of life. Through participating in volunteer jobs such as farming, wildlife conservation, and health care, they can make friends and acquire essential soft skills that would benefit both their working and studying lives. Second, unpaid community work can contribute to promoting solidarity and social progress. For instance, several Vietnam universities have summer programs for students to volunteer delivering gifts and teaching poor children in remote areas. This has contributed to narrow down the gap between the rich and the poor.

On the other hand, teenagers should not be forced to work for free due to the pressure they already have. For instance, in school, there always exists numerous assignments which have to be done properly instead of wasting time with volunteer jobs. In addition, young people need to enjoy their free time to develop hobbies and interests such as taking up a new sport or making new friends. This can give them a sense of pleasure to grow and develop both mentally and physically.

In conclusion, I believe that teenagers are encouraged to do volunteer jobs for the benefit of themselves and others, but this should not be compulsory.