Please review my IELTS essay. Thank you!

Question

The table compares the number of tourists visiting 8 countries: France, USA, Spain, UK, Italy, Turkey, Chin, Germany and Hong Kong between the year of 2009 and 2010, measured in millions, and shows the percentage of change in two years.

Overall, although Germany and Hong Kong had the same quantity of visitors in 2009, there was an opposite trend between these two countries. Furthermore, the number of visitors coming to France was constant in both 2009 and 2010, outnumbered other countries in this table.

There was a dramatically decline in the quantity of tourists in Hong Kong, from 10 millions of people back to 9 millions, which fell by 11%. On the other hand, except France, other nations saw a positive change after two years. In particular, the number of tourists visiting German rose by 109%, the highest percentage of change compared to other countries, from 10 millions in 2009 to 24% in 2010.

However, although France’s quantity of visitors remained the same in two years, at 76 millions, this nation ranked the highest among other countries in the number of people visiting.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

The length of your essay is good, but you have quite a few mistakes in word usage. Be sure not to repeat the same information.

The table compares the numbers of tourists visiting 8 (Wrong number, and also write out small numbers that are not data values) nine countries: France, USA, Spain, UK, Italy, Turkey, Chin, (wrong word) Germany and Hong Kong in ~~between the year of~~ 2009 and 2010, measured in millions, and shows the percentage of change between them. ~~in two years.~~

Overall, although Germany and Hong Kong had the same number ~~quantity~~ of visitors in 2009, there was an opposite trend between these two countries. (Incorrect. A trend is established over a longer period of time than two data points.) Furthermore, the number of visitors coming to France was the same ~~constant~~ in both 2009 and 2010, and larger than any of the ~~outnumbered~~ other countries ~~in this table~~.

There was a dramatically (wrong form) decline in the quantity (wrong word) of tourists in Hong Kong, from 10 millions (wrong form) of people back to 9 millions, (wrong form) ~~which fell by~~ a fall of 11%. On the other hand, except France, other nations saw a positive change after two years. In particular, the number of tourists visiting German (wrong word. German is a language. A German is a person. ) rose by 109%, the highest percentage of change compared to other countries, from 10 millions (wrong form) in 2009 to 24% (wrong number) in 2010.

However, although France’s quantity (wrong word) of visitors remained the same ~~in two years,~~ at 76 millions, (wrong form) this nation ranked the highest among other countries in the number of people visiting. (This is repetitive. You already made this point.)

Sample essay:

Comment:

The introduction not only describes the table, but shows the ranking of the nine countries presented.

The "overall" paragraph give the main features: The range of counts, the small changes for the majority and the two outliers.

The "detail" paragraph makes groupings and comparisons.

The table lists the numbers of tourists arriving in each of nine countries in 2009 and 2010, and the percentage difference over the two years. The table rows are ordered by the visitor count in 2009 from largest to smallest: France, USA, Spain, UK, Italy, Turkey, China, Germany and Hong Kong.

Overall, tourist counts ranged from 10 to 76 million. Five of the nine countries showed only small year-over-year changes, less than 4%. Hong Kong was an outlier in that it was the only country having fewer visitors in 2010 than it did in 2009. Germany also stands out because it more than doubled its number of visitors.

In detail, Turkey, China and Germany significantly raised their visitor count, by 33, 55 and 109%, respectively. However, even though they had large increases, it did not promote them much in the overall ranking. Turkey displaced Italy, moving up from sixth to fifth place, but the other two remained seventh and eighth. France was at the top with 76 million visitors in both years, followed by the USA with about 10 million less. In 2010, Germany had only about a third as many as top-ranked France, and Hong Kong only about one tenth.

Please review my IELTS essay. Thank you!

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