Please review my IELTS essay task1

Question

topic: The charts below show the percentage of water used by different sectors in Sydney, Australia, in 1997 and 2007.The two pie charts compare the usage of water by 7 sections in Sydney between 1997 and 2007. overall; it is clear that the food industry accounted for the highest percentage of water consumption, while the lowest one was for the construction industry in both surveyed years.The food industry made up near half of the total water usage in 1997 at 48% however it saw a decrease of 7% in 2007. There was also a decline in water usage by two manufacturing and building industry in Sydney. In 2007, the figure for these two sectors, compared to 1997 with a slight decrease of 4% and 3% was at 5 and 11 percent respectively.By contrast, two other sectors expanded their consumption in 2007 compared to the past 10 years. The most significant rise belonged to service industry water usage by almost twice in 2007 as the figure for in 1997. water consumption by household activity however slightly, increased from 19% to 21% in 2007.

Doctor D · Accepted Answer

Obviously, I don't have the actual charts, so I will assume you are correct and just look at the writing. New language is in bold. Here are my suggestions:

The charts below show the percentage of water used by different sectors in Sydney, Australia, in 1997 and 2007.

The two pie charts compare the usage of water by 7 sections in Sydney between 1997 and 2007. ~~overall;~~ Overall, it is clear that the food industry accounted for the highest percentage of water consumption, while the lowest one was for the construction industry in both surveyed years.

The food industry made up near half of the total water usage in 1997 at 48%. However, it saw a decrease of 7% in 2007. There was also a decline in water usage by two other sectors in Sydney, manufacturing and the building industry ~~in Sydney~~. In 2007, manufacturing usage declined from 9% to 5% while the building industry usage declined from 14% to 11%. ~~the figure for these two sectors, compared to 1997 with a slight decrease of 4% and 3% was at 5 and 11 percent respectively.~~ [The original sentence is too confusing.]

By contrast, two other sectors expanded their consumption in 2007 compared to the past 10 years. The most significant rise belonged to service industry. Their water usage in 2007 had increased by almost twice the amount used ~~in 2007 as the figure for~~ in 1997. Water consumption by household activity, however, slightly increased from 19% to 21% in 2007.

Notes:

Introductory words like "however" and "overall" should be set off from the rest of the sentence by a comma.

Be consistent. Use either "percent" or "%" but don't mix them.

Capitalize the first letter of the first word in a new sentence.

You are missing a couple of facts. Report also on what the percentages were for the construction industry and for the service industry.

All that is a start. If you have any other questions, let me know.

Please review my IELTS essay task1

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