Please review my IELTS essay: Task 2 Immigration topic

Question

Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Nowadays, there many cities around the world have a variety nationality among their residents. These communities with metaculture have similarity between them such as language, but they have different dialects, this allow them to become part of the society and share the same concepts. Although, multicultural societies have different nationalities from different culture background, it seems to me that are more likely to obtain more advantages overweight the disadvantages from this kind of society.

To begin, it appears that there a lot of benefits to welcome the immigrants on the country. Citizens will get a chance to engage to know another culture and attuited from another comers. This mean it will have another cultural value they can share to enhance their awareness and knowledge of culture and tradition. They get to know another people with different culture by understanding unique customs or rituals.

Additionally, some people would know about each other more while in work or school, so they have a chance to engage to the conversation. Therefore, people who come from different country they have a different education and skills. That gives a chance for organizations to have variety nationalities employees.

To concluded, the society which have multicultural community will bring benefits more than drawbacks. So, it engage citizens to know another culture in their own country.

Poster · Accepted Answer

The instructions for IELTS Task 2 are to write "at least 250 words". At 218 words, your submission would probably be automatically downgraded by half a band.

Nowadays, there many cities around the world have a variety [of] nationality [singular or plural?] among their residents. These communities with metaculture [Not sure how the meaning of "metaculture" fits in this context.] have similarity [many similarities?] between them such as language, but they have different dialects [In many cases, ethnic communities have their own entirely separate language, and they use a common official language for cross-cultural communication.], this [which] allow them to become part of the society and share the same concepts. [ I thought the issues arise where they do NOT share the same concepts, such as Uighur or Christian communities in China, or Christian communities in Indonesia, immigrant communities in England, Chinese communities in Malaysia, English pensioners in Spain.] Although, ["Although" is not an adverb like "however", it is a conjunction, and rarely followed by a comma.] multicultural societies have different nationalities from different culture [Use the adjective where there is one available.] background, it seems to me that [missing subject of verb] are more likely to obtain more advantages overweight ["outweigh": see Google below for examples of usage] the disadvantages from [of] this kind of society.

https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=outweigh&num=10

To begin, [Usually: To begin with, ...] it appears that there a lot of [informal: many] benefits to welcome the immigrants on [wrong preposition] the country. Citizens will get a chance to engage to know another culture and attuited [?? not a word] from another comers [immigrants]. This mean [subject/verb agreement] it [What exactly?] will have another cultural value they can share to enhance their awareness and knowledge of culture and tradition. They get to know another [other] people with different culture by understanding unique customs or rituals.

Additionally, some people would know about each other more while in ["in" work means that you have a job, "at" work means you are in or around your workplace: "in" school sometimes contrasts with home-schooling] work or school, so they have a chance to engage to [wrong preposition] the conversation. Therefore, people who come from different country [singular or plural: with or without an article?] they have a different education and skills. That gives a chance for organizations to have variety nationalities employees. [employees with a variety of nationalities.]

Why is a variety of employee nationalities an advantage? Surely it just creates issues? More explanation required.

To concluded, [wrong form] the society [Which society? No specific society has been mentioned so far. With a countable noun such as "society" or "community" the easiest way to generalize is to use the plural without an article: otherwise, using the singular you will have to choose which article is appropriate: in this sentence I have used "a countable noun" , but I could have used "countable nouns". ] which have multicultural community will bring benefits more than drawbacks. So, it engage [subject/verb agreement] citizens to know another culture in their own country.

Apart from grammar issues, especially singular/plural, and how to generalize with countable nouns, there seems to be a lack of material and ideas to support your position. Do you not have any relevant experience or knowledge from your own life, as mentioned in the instructions? Try to come up with relevant examples to support your position. For instance: in my country hospitals now need to have interpreters on hand to communicate properly with some immigrants.

The usual issues that spring to mind are:

Difficulties in communication where a second language is involved and the official language is not well known.

Difficulties in education, cross-crediting qualifications.

Cross-cultural issues, often around the status of women, arranged marriages, and status of religion.

Benefits tend to center around cheap labor, easier communications with international trading partners, and more lively and varied cultural events.

Please review my IELTS essay: Task 2 Immigration topic

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions