Please review my IELTS essay task 2

Question

Subject: The trend of new which is reported in the media about the problems and emergencies( which are negative) rather than the positive news is harmful to individuals and societies. Do you think it is a good or bad development?My essay:Hardly can anyone deny the increasing importance of media development in recent years. Although it is argued that dissemination of negative news related to issues and urgent matters can badly affect individuals and societies, I am of the opinion that it can bring both merits and demerits.On the one hand, there are a lot of reasons why it is often believed that negative news provides deconstruction to societies, one of which is that it can be exemplified by people who have a high possibility of committing crimes. To be more specific, a broadcasting of crime reports can provide information to criminals on the course of illegal actions, which invisibly increases the crime rate in societies. Consequently, this can lead to the safety reduction in contemporary societies. In addition, news about military conflicts and civil wars often worries the public in terms of social harmony. The population of this type of news can add fuel to the fire by boosting people's belief on the government's failure of maintaining peace to their citizens. As a result, the negative news brings pessimism to the public in the long run. For instance, some Vietnamese famous criminals declared that they followed the detailed law-breaking behaviors from the TV news before.On the other hand, negative news contributes greatly to societies. Needless to say, natural disasters such as earthquakes or tsunami usually have dire consequences. Therefore, the prevention of victimization of natural disasters is extremely crucial. The common solution to protect citizens from physical injuries, losses of lives is to spread the evacuation order urgently, effectively to the public and notify them of the dangerous areas.  In other words, in urgent cases, mass media is irreplaceable to broadcast precise information to the public. In addition, the word has developed at an unprecedented pace and people should keep themselves well updated on the complexity of the issues for their behalf.While some argue that negative news is disadvantageous to people, I hold the belief that it can offer both advantages and disadvantages

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Subject: The trend of new (New?) which is reported in the media about the problems and emergencies( which are negative) rather than the positive news is harmful to individuals and societies. Do you think it is a good or bad development?

I don't think you copied the topic correctly. It is not good English. I highlight

I don't think you copied the topic correctly. It is not good English. I highlighted some problems in your text.

My essay:

Hardly can anyone deny the increasing importance

You used exactly this same wrong opening phrase in your last essay. It is not a good way to start an essay. It is not really applicable to the topic.

of media development in recent years. Although it is argued that dissemination of negative news related to issues and urgent matters can badly affect individuals and societies, I am of the opinion that it can bring both merits and demerits.(Wrong words. )

On the one hand, there are a lot of reasons why it is often believed that negative news provides deconstruction (wrong word) to societies, one of which is that it can be exemplified by people who have a high possibility of committing crimes. (I don't know what you mean. Do you mean that some criminals learn about other criminals techniques and copy them? ) To be more specific, a broadcasting of crime reports can provide information to criminals on the course of illegal actions, which invisibly increases the crime rate in societies. Consequently, this can lead to the safety reduction (unnatural phrase) in contemporary societies. In addition, news about military conflicts and civil wars often worries the public in terms of social harmony. The population (Wrong word) of this type of news can add fuel to the fire by boosting people's belief on the government's failure of maintaining peace to their citizens. As a result, the negative news brings pessimism to the public in the long run. For instance, some Vietnamese famous criminals declared that they followed the detailed law-breaking behaviors from the TV news before.

On the other hand, negative news contributes greatly to societies. Needless to say, natural disasters such as earthquakes or tsunami usually have dire consequences. Therefore, the prevention of victimization of natural disasters is extremely crucial. The common solution to protect citizens from physical injuries, (missing word) losses of lives is to spread the evacuation order urgently, (missing word) effectively to the public and notify them of the dangerous areas. In other words, in urgent cases, mass media is irreplaceable to broadcast precise information to the public. In addition, the word has developed at an unprecedented pace and people should keep themselves well updated on the complexity of the issues for their behalf. (Is this related to the topic?)

While some argue that negative news is disadvantageous to people, I hold the belief that it can offer both advantages and disadvantages (missing punctuation)

Please review my IELTS essay task 2

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