Please review my IELTS essay task 1

Question

My essay:The bar chart depicts the export earning of a country in 5 different categories between the years 2015 and 2016. The table data portrays percentage change in export net worth in 2016 than 2015.Overall, petroleum and engineered products were the main earners for the country in both the years. The export income increased in 2016 than previous year except for gems and jewellery goods.In 2015, earning from petroleum export was over 60 billion dollars which was the highest while, the engineered good brought was nearly 58 billion, the second highest. Next year they made around 63 and 62 billion respectively. Gems and jewellery and agricultural export earning was about 70 billion while, textiles produced nearly 25 billion which was the lowest. In 2016, textile and agricultural exported earning was 30 billion dollar each and nearly 40 billion dollar’s jewellery.The percentage value in 2016 increased for all products except for jewellery that dropped by 5.18%. The export of engineered goods soared by 8% while, the highest increase was textiles 15.24%. Other products petroleum and agricultural increased by 3% and 0.81% respectively.A humble request to provide band score along with the review. Thank you.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart depicts the export earning (wrong form) of a country in 5 five different categories ~~between the years~~ (wrong expression ) in 2015 and 2016. The table ~~data~~ ~~portray~~s (Not a good word choice) the percentage change in export net worth (very bad English - meaningless.) in 2016 than (wrong word) 2015.

Overall, petroleum and engineered products were the main earners for the country in both ~~the~~ ( "Both" is a determiner. "The" is a determiner. We do not use them together.) years. The export income increased in 2016 than (wrong usage. With "than" you need a comparative. Mitch is smarter than Joe. She is more beautiful than her sister. ) previous year except for gems and jewellery ~~goods~~.

In 2015, earning from petroleum export was over 60 billion dollars which was the highest while, the engineered good (wrong form) brought was (ungrammatical) nearly 58 billion, the second highest. Next year (wrong expression. Next year is 2023.) they made around 63 and 62 billion respectively. Gems and jewellery and agricultural export earning was about 70 billion while, (wrong comma) textiles produced nearly 25 billion which was the lowest. In 2016, textile and agricultural exported earning was 30 billion dollar (wrong form) each and nearly 40 billion dollar’s (wrong form) jewellery.

The percentage value in 2016 increased for all products except for jewellery that dropped by 5.18%. The export of engineered goods soared (wrong word choice. Do not use "drama" words when writing for a maths professor.) by 8% while, the highest increase was textiles 15.24%. Other products petroleum and agricultural increased by 3% and 0.81% respectively. (Most of this is repetitive. You did not notice - or remark as a "main feature" - that the data in table is exactly the same as the data in the bar chart, but expressed as percentage differences (with a higher degree of precision) rather than absolute values. All the entries in the table can be derived from the values in the chart. )

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay:

In the opening paragraph, I remark that the data in the table is derived from the values in the bar chart.
In the overall paragraph, I observe the ordering of the categories, and that only one had declined
In the detail paragraph, I combine the two largest categories because they represented more than half of the total export value. The data from the table (Percentages) is intertwined with the data from the chart (absolute values) The order of the points in this paragraph follows the order in the overall paragraph. That leads to better cohesion and coherence.

The bar chart plots the earnings of five categories of exported goods for a country in 2015 and 2016. The table lists the year-over-year percentage changes for the same categories, calculated from the numbers in the chart.

Overall, in 2015, the category with the highest value was petroleum products, followed by engineered goods, jewellery, agricultural products and textiles. The order in 2016 was the same, except that textiles was equal to agricultural products. All showed gains, except for jewellery.

In detail, the two highest earners, petroleum products and engineered goods, brought in $119 and $124 billion in 2015 and 2016. That was more than half the total, $219 and $228 billion, respectively. Petroleum products edged out engineered goods by $4 billion in 2015 but that gap decreased to $1 billion in 2016. That was due to the 8.5% jump in engineered goods compared to 3% for petroleum products. Earnings from jewellry went down by 5% from $43 to $40 billion. Agricultural products, at $30-$31 billion changed the least, and textiles had the largest relative change, over 15%, rising from $26 to $32 billion.

Please review my IELTS essay task 1

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