Please review my IELTS essay task 1

Question

My essay:The diagram explains the step by step process of manufacturing instant noodles.Overall, the process requires 8 consecutive steps for the production of instant noodles. Starting from storage of flour to shipping of the packed noodles.The first step is storing flour in silos. Then the flour is mixed with substances such as water and oil in the mixer and converted into dough. The dough is rolled over in rollers to make it into sheets. The next process involves converting dough sheets to strips. These are then shaped into round disc noodles.In the next step the discs are cooked in oil and dried. The seventh step involves placing cooked discs in the cup and adding of vegetables and spices. The end step is mainly about packaging. At this moment the labels are added to the cups which are sealed after that. After the product is ready, it is shipped to the stores.   Could you also provide band score for this essay along with the review. Thank You.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Your essay is 150 words long. It is perilously close to losing points due to not meeting the minimum. Aim to write 170-190 words for Task 1.

The diagram ~~explains~~ illustrates the step by step process of manufacturing instant noodles.

Overall, the process requires 8 consecutive steps for the production of instant noodles. Starting from storage of flour to shipping of the packed noodles. (That is not a full sentence. There is no main verb.)

The first step is storing flour in silos. Then the flour is mixed (Does that happen in the silo? Aren't you missing some information? ) with ~~substances such as~~ (There are only two ingredients. "Substance" is not a good word here.) water and oil in the mixer which creates ~~and converted into~~ dough. The dough is rolled ~~over in~~ through rollers to make it into flat sheets. The next ~~process~~ (wrong word.) step involves ~~converting~~ slicing / cutting the dough sheets to into strips. These are then cut and shaped into round disc noodles. (There is no logical reason to start a new paragraph here.)

In the next step the discs are cooked in oil and dried. The seventh (You never mentioned steps two, three, four, five or six. Where are they?) step involves placing cooked discs in the cup (Only one cup?) and adding of vegetables and spices. The ~~end~~ final / last step is ~~mainly about~~ packaging. At this moment the labels are added to the cups which are sealed after that. ~~After the product is ready, it is shipped to the stores~~. (What is between the last step and making the product ready? That is not shown.)

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay:

The flow diagram illustrates the process of making instant noodles in an automated assembly line factory.

Instant noodles are cups of dry ingredients, which, when hot water is added, make a quick lunch or snack. The manufacturing process is a continuous one consisting of eight steps, six of which are involved in producing the main ingredient, dehydrated noodles, from flour, water and oil. The preparation of the minor ingredients, vegetables and spices, is not shown.

In detail, the factory is supplied with flour, delivered by truck to storage silos. In the first two steps, flour from the silos is combined with water and oil and mixed to form dough. In steps 3-5, the dough is flattened into thin sheets through a set of rollers, and then sliced into long, narrow strips. The strips are again sliced and flattened into small discs, which, in step 6, are deep fried in an oil bath and dried. Steps 7 and 8 complete the packaging process. The dried noodles are combined with dehydrated vegetables and spices into cups, which are labeled and sealed, ready for delivery to markets.

Please review my IELTS essay task 1

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