Please review my IELTS essay task 1

Question

Topic: The table below shows the percentage of the population by age groups in one town who rode bicycles in 2011.

My essay:

The table compare the proportion of population who cycled in 2011, categorized by five age groups.
Overall, in all groups, the percentage of females riding bike was higher than that of males. While the age group of 0-9 saw the largest proportion in both genders, people aged 18-59 showed the lowest one.
There was nearly an equal proportion of girls and boys aged 6-9 cycling with 51.3% and 50.3% respectively. Moving to the age group of 10-17, the rate of female who cycled was 42.2%, almost twice times as that of male, at 24,6%.
Next, in the population aged 18-59, the percentage of cyclist was much lower. Only about 17% of woman in 18-39 age group cycled, compared with just under 10% of men. Between the ages of 40 and 59, the figures fell further, to a little over 12% for woman and 8% for men. Finally, there was a significant rose in the rate of those over 60 cycling, reaching 18.5% female and 13% male.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The table compare (wrong form) the proportion of population who cycled in 2011, divided into ~~categorized by~~ five age groups. You forgot to mention that it is also separated by gender. That is very bad for the cohesion and coherence of the essay, since the reader is surprised when you mention males and females.

Overall, in all groups, the percentage of females riding bike (wrong form) was higher than that of males. While the age group of 0-9 ~~saw~~ (age brackets cannot see. They do not have eyes.) had the largest proportion in both genders, people aged 18-59 showed the lowest one.
There was nearly an equal proportion of girls and boys aged 6-9 cycling with 51.3% and 50.3% respectively. Moving to the age group of 10-17, the rate (wrong word. These are not rates, they are percentages.) of female (wrong form) ~~who cycled~~ (you do not need to repeat this. The reader knows which women you are writing about.) was 42.2%, almost twice times as that of male, (wrong form) at 24,6%.
Next, in the ~~population~~ groups aged 18-59, the percentage (wrong form) ~~of cyclist~~ was much lower. Only about 17% of woman (wrong form) in the 18-39 age group cycled, compared with just under 10% of men. Between the ages of 40 and 59, ~~the~~ ~~figure~~s (wrong word) they fell further, to a little over 12% for woman and 8% for men. Finally, there was a significant rose (wrong word. A rose is a flower. ) in the rate (wrong form and wrong word) of those over 60 cycling, reaching 18.5% female and 13% male.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay:

The table compares the proportions of males and females who rode bicycles in 2011 in one particular town. There are five age groups: two are children and three are adults, specifically, young children 0-9, older children 10-17, young adults 19-39, older adults 49-59, and seniors, over 60.

Overall, the proportions for females was higher than the males in every age group, and children cycled more than the adults. About half of the children under age 10, both boys and girls, rode bicycles.

In detail, the age group of older children (10-17) showed the greatest difference between genders, about 42% for girls compared to 25% for boys, nearly a 2:1 ratio. The difference was nearly the same for young adults (age 18-39), where the percentage for men (9.7%) was about 60% that of women (17.1%). The age group with the smallest values was older adults (40-59). Even the seniors had higher values (12% and 18% for women and 8% and 13% for men, respectively.) Less than one in every ten men between the ages of 18 and 59 cycled.

Please review my IELTS essay task 1

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