Please review my IELTS essay (RTI - TEST 6 - TASK 2)

Question

TOPIC: Unhealthy eating has a negative effect on both individuals and the society in which they live. Some people think that the government should tax unhealthy foods while others believe that a "fat tax" is unfair and unnecessary.Discuss both these views and give your own opinionGive reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.Write at least 250 words.MY ANSWER:Imbalanced diet makes human beings more likely to suffer from various health problems. This leads to a common belief among some people that the government should put a levy tariff on unhealthy foods whereas others claim this action is not reasonable. This essay will include both views and the writer’s opinion about this argument.On the one hand, implementing a consumption tax on unhealthy products create a positive change in the way people eat and live. The more affordable these harmful goods are, the more frequently do people spend money on them. Since food taxes were designed and put into practice, food market has witnessed a dramatic decrease in the number of people buying unhealthy foods. For example, Chinese government has successfully reformed their citizens' eating habits due to an appropriate excise tax since they turned alcohol and cigarettes into luxurious items that exceed people’s average income. That is the reason why some people support taxing.On the other hand, those who are against taxing think that it is unfair and inessential. The primary reason could be the violation to the freedom in business of many food companies. Since they registered to operate a business legally, they have been deserved to be protected in this competitive market and to be treated fairly. Additionally, food companies should not be completely blamed for forming unhealthy eating habits among people as their products are qualified by appropriate authorities before being introduced to everyone. As a result, this leads to long-term disadvantages for food chains all over the world.In my opinion, putting a tax on unhealthy foods is only effective, to a minor extent but this this action should only be a temporary solution. Instead, local governments should take part in encouraging people keep fit by raising people’s awareness about how to balance their diet and stick to regular exercise through online webinars on popular social platforms.In conclusion, unhealthy foods have an adverse effect on the whole community. If the proper regulations were combined to alleviate the influence of these kinds of food, both people’s health and food companies are protected.(349 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

At about 350 words, your essay is too long.

The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

An imbalanced diet makes ~~human beings~~ (Native speakers only use "human beings" in contexts that are comparing us with other species. Normally, we do not use this biological term.) people more likely to suffer from various health problems. This leads to a common belief among some people that the government should ~~put a~~ ~~levy tariff~~ (unnatural.) levy an excise tax on unhealthy foods whereas others claim this action is not reasonable. This essay will include both views and the writer’s opinion about this argument.

I suggest this sentence as your thesis statement.

I believe it is a reasonable policy, but should only be in effect for a short term.

On the one hand, implementing a consumption tax on unhealthy products create (wrong verb form) a positive change in the way people eat and live. The more affordable these harmful foods ~~goods~~ are, the more frequently do (ungrammatical) people spend money on them. ~~Since~~ Where such food taxes were designed and put into practice, ~~food market~~ (wrong subject) ~~has witnessed~~ there has been a dramatic decrease in the number of people buying unhealthy foods. For example, the Chinese government has successfully reformed their citizens' ~~eating~~ bad habits ~~due to an appropriate~~ by employing high excise taxes; ~~since~~ they turned alcohol and cigarettes (We do not ordinarily eat cigarettes, so a tobacco tax should not affect eating habits.) into luxurious items that exceed people’s average income. ~~That is the reason why some people support taxing~~. (You do not need this sentence. It repeats the topic of the paragraph.)

On the other hand, those who are against taxing think that it is unfair and inessential. The primary reason could be ~~the violation to the freedom in~~ limitations on the primary business of many food companies especially fast-food restaurants and convenience stores. ~~Since they registered to operate a business legally, they have been deserved to be protected in this competitive market and to be treated fairly.~~ ~~Additionally, food companies~~ (To reduce the essay length, delete these words.) They should not be completely blamed for forming unhealthy eating habits ~~among people~~ as their products are regulated and are safe to eat in moderation. ~~are qualified by appropriate authorities before being introduced to everyone~~. ~~As a result, this leads to long-term disadvantages for food chains all over the world.~~

In my opinion, putting a tax on unhealthy foods is only effective, to a minor extent but this this action should only be a temporary solution. Instead, local governments should take part in encouraging people keep fit by raising people’s awareness about how to balance their diet and stick to regular exercise through online webinars on popular social platforms.

In conclusion, unhealthy foods have an adverse effect on the whole community. If the proper regulations were combined with educational campaigns to ~~alleviate~~ curb the frequency and amounts of consumption ~~influence of these kinds of food,~~ both people’s health and food companies are protected.

* Sometimes referred to as a “sin tax,” the https://www.bankrate.com/glossary/e/excise-tax/ has been used to discourage what the government considers unhealthy behavior or to route the revenue collected from it toward fighting the negative consequences of that behavior.

Please review my IELTS essay (RTI - TEST 6 - TASK 2)

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