Please review my IELTS essay (RTI - TEST 5 - TASK 1)

Question

The chart below shows the average household spending pattern for households in three income categories as a proportion of their income.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Write at least 150 words.

The bar chart gives data about the average household expenses for ten basic demands in three levels of income including low, medium and high. These figures are expressed as a percentage of people’s income.

Overall, resources allocated for housing were the highest whereas eating out took people the least sum of money.

In detail, the expenditures on housing of three income categories were relatively similar, nearly a third. Transport came second with around 18% for the low and the medium and 15% for the high. In contrast, under 5% of household income was spent on eating out by all levels of income.

Moreover, home-cooked food, utilities had the same spending pattern, in which low-income earners spent about more than medium and high-income earners by 5% and 10%, respectively. By contrast, retirement savings recorded a significant proportion of income from the high-paid people (17%) while the others spent by far less money on this demand, 10% and 3% for medium and low-income people. Meanwhile, it took everyone more or less than 5% to services such as entertainment, clothing and education.

(179 words)

* I have been struggled to cover all main features and to group appropriate categories into 2 body paragraphs. Please review this and give me some pieces of advice. Last but not least, I am waiting for your model answer. I really love your writing style. It is simple but attractive. I am about to take part in real IELTS examination soon (next week). Thanks!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart gives data about (That is vague. What exactly is plotted?) the average household expenses for ten basic demands (wrong word) in three levels of income ~~including~~ (Including means that there are more categories than you listed. ) low, medium and high. These figures (poor word choice. Unnatural) are expressed as a percentage of people’s income.

Example opening:

The bar chart compares the percentages of income that households of three different income levels (low, medium and high) allocate across ten budget categories. These categories include housing, transportation, food and utilities.

Overall, resources (wrong word) allocated for housing were the highest whereas eating out was ~~took people~~ the least sum of money. (Unnatural)

In detail, the expenditures (wrong word. Expenditure would be a dollar amount, like $1234.45) on housing of three income categories were ~~relatively~~ similar, nearly a third. Transport came second with around 18% for the low and the medium and 15% for the high. In contrast, under 5% of household income was spent on eating out ~~by all levels of income.~~

Moreover, home-cooked food, utilities had the same spending pattern, in which low-income earners spent ~~about~~ (wrong word) more than medium and high-income earners by 5% and 10%, respectively. By contrast, retirement savings recorded (wrong word) a significant proportion of income from the high-paid people (Do not try using lots of synonyms in Task 1. It makes the essay less cohesive and coherent.) (17%) while the others spent by far less money on this demand, 10% and 3% for medium and low-income people. Meanwhile~~, it took~~ everyone more or less than 5% to ~~services~~ ~~such as~~ (Clothing is not a service.) entertainment, clothing and education.

(179 words)

Teechr · Answer

The bar chart ~~gives data about~~ compares three income groups in terms of the average household expenditure ~~expenses for~~ on ten basic categories. ~~demands in three levels of income including low, medium and high.~~ These figures are expressed as a percentage of people’s income.

Overall, ~~resources allocated for~~ housing was ~~were~~ the highest whereas eating out was the lowest, across all income groups. ~~took people the least sum of money~~.

In detail, ~~the~~ expenditures on housing ~~of three income categories~~ were relatively similar for the three groups, nearly a third of their total income. Transport came second with around 18% for the low- and the medium- and 15% for the high-income groups. In contrast, under 5% of household income was spent on eating out [ 1] by for all groups. ~~levels of income.~~

Moreover, home-cooked food, and utilities had the same spending pattern, ~~in which~~ at about 12% for low-income earners, ~~spent about more than~~ and around 9% and 5% for medium- and high-income earners. ~~by 5% and 10%,~~ respectively. By contrast, retirement savings ~~recorded~~ accounted for a significant proportion of income ~~from the high-paid people~~ for the rich (17%) while the ~~others spent by far less money on this demand, 10% and~~ poor only spent 3%. ~~for medium and low-income people.~~ Meanwhile, ~~it took everyone more or less than 5% to services~~ sectors such as entertainment, clothing and education accounted for around 5%, while spending on transport was between 15% and 18%.

* I have ~~been~~ [ 2] struggled to cover all main features and to group appropriate categories into 2 body paragraphs. Please review this and give me some pieces of advice. Last but not least, I am waiting for your model answer. I really love your writing style. It is simple but attractive. I am about to take part in real IELTS examination soon (next week). Thanks!

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[ 1]: “by” can suggest that all the groups combined spent 5%.

[ 2]: “have been struggled” is wrong because “struggle” is an intransitive verb and cannot work in the passive voice.

[ cross-posted]

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar chart compares the percentages of income that households of three different income levels (low, medium and high) allocate across ten budget categories. These categories include housing, transportation, food (groceries and restaurants) and utilities.

Overall, these categories added up to more than 95% for each income category, so this bar chart represents typical complete budgets

Overall, these categories added up to more than 95% for each income category, so this bar chart represents typical complete budgets for these families. All income groups allocated the most to housing, followed by transportation. The largest difference was for retirement savings, where the high-income group had a significantly larger percentage.

In detail, the patterns were rather similar to each other. For example, eating out had a small allocation, 4% or less, regardless of income level, and housing was between 28 and 29%. The low-income families spent relatively more on groceries and utilities, 12% and 13%, than the middle-income families, 8% and 9%. The high-income group allocated the least, 5% and 6%. The opposite pattern is seen in entertainment, clothing, education, and especially retirement savings, where the allocation went up as income increased. For the second-highest budget category, transportation, middle and low income households had 17-18%, compared with 15% for the high income group.

Please review my IELTS essay (RTI - TEST 5 - TASK 1)

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