Please review my IELTS essay (RTI 1- TASK 1)

Question

WRITING TASK 1  The graphs below give information about computer ownership as a percentage of the population between 2002 and 2010, and by level of education for the years 2002 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words. The two bar charts give data about the percentage of computer owners among the population from 2002 to 2010 and get deep into computer ownership by academic qualification.Overall, there was an upturn in the number of people owning personal computers for a nine-year period. In addition, the same pattern was recorded when comparing the proportion of computer owners according to level of education, from no high school diploma to postgraduate qualification.The initial impression from the first chart is that the percentage of computer possession accounted for nearly 60% in 2002, which was followed by a moderate growth over the whole period and finished at around 70% in 2010.When linking computer ownership with education level, the rise in the proportion of computer possessors also reflects the upgradation of academic qualification. Moreover, the distance between the figures in 2002 and in 2010 remained at 10% for those who had upper levels of education and 20% for the others. In detail, the vast majority of PC owners were postgraduates and bachelors, with over 70% in 2002 and nearly 90% in 2010. In contrast, the figures collected from other categories were relatively lower than two abovementioned categories  in both years, with the lowest percentage of computer owners for people without a high school diploma (over 10% in 2002 and 40% in 2010). (221 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Your essay is too long.

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.

Second, in Task 1, you are likely writing about everything, rather than following the instructions and picking out only the significant points. This will cost you points.

Third, you will take a lot of the limited time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fourth, you will not have enough time to devote to Task 2, and get a lower score there. Task 2 counts twice as much for your overall score.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The two bar charts ~~give data about the~~ (Vague. Tell the reader exactly what the plot contains.) compare the percentage of computer owners ~~among~~ in the population every other year from 2002 to 2010 and ~~get deep into~~ computer ownership by academic qualification in 2002 and 2010..

Overall, there was an upturn in the ~~number~~ (Number is NOT percentage. For example, suppose the population was 100,000 in 2002 and 50,000 in 2010. The NUMBER of owners in 2002 would be 58% of 100,000 or 58,000. The NUMBER of owners in 2010 would be about 75% of 50,000 or 37,500. That is a decrease in the NUMBER but an increase in the percentage. Do not confuse numbers and percentages. They can only be compared when the basis is exactly the same.) percentage of people owning ~~personal~~ computers over the period. ~~for a nine-year period.~~ In addition, ~~the same pattern was recorded when comparing~~ the proportion of computer owners also increased for each category of ~~according to~~ level of education, from no high school diploma to postgraduate qualification. (You need to put this in the opening paragraph. It describes the categories on the bar chart.)

~~The initial impression from the first chart is that~~ (This is verbose and unnecessary text.) the percentage of computer ~~possession~~ owners accounted for nearly 60% in 2002, which was followed by a ~~moderate growth~~ continuous stepwise increase over the ~~whole~~ period and finished at around 70% in 2010.

When ~~linking~~ relating computer ownership with education level, the rise in the proportion of computer possessors (unnatural usage) also reflects the upgradation (wrong usage) of academic qualification. Moreover, the distance (wrong usage) between the figures in 2002 and in 2010 remained at 10% for those who had upper levels of education and 20% for the others. In detail, the vast majority of PC owners were postgraduates and bachelors, with over 70% in 2002 and nearly 90% in 2010. In contrast, the ~~figures collected from~~ percentages for other categories were relatively lower than these two ~~abovementioned~~ (delete this word from your vocabulary) categories in both years, with the lowest percentage of computer owners for people without a high school diploma (over 10% (40% is over 10% and so is 15% as well as 80%. You must qualify "over" and "under") in 2002 and 40% in 2010).

If you would like a sample essay, you may ask for one.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay (~180 words)

The first bar chart plots the percentage of the population that owned a computer every other year between 2002 and 2010. The second bar chart gives the same measurement for each of five levels of education (no high school to postgraduates) in 2002 and 2010.

Overall computer ownership rose steadily over this period. This measure was very strongly correlated with education; the higher a person's education, the more likely they were to own a computer.

In detail, in 2002, about 58% had a computer, and this went up by about 2% every two years to end at 76% in 2010. However, in 2002, only 15% of those with the least education (no high school) had a computer, compared to three-quarters of those with the highest education (postgraduate). The percentages in these two groups rose to about 42% and 90% in 2010. The same pattern occurred in the other three groups. In 2010, the two lowest groups (no college), were at 65% or less, sharply contrasted with the groups with tertiary qualifications, 80% or more.

Please review my IELTS essay (RTI 1- TASK 1)

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