Please review my IELTS essay part 2. Thank a lot!

Question

Topic: Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible.   Do you think this is a positive or negative development?   Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.My essay:With the bombardment of technology, human behaviors have changed drastically. While advocates believed that it is a great human achievement in light of the fact that the elderly and the young can switch their duty from the office and school to their home, I suppose that the benefits of this development are eclipsed by its drawbacks.Initially, this tendency makes people gradually rely on hightech gadgets significantly. The figure of Euromonitor at the early months of this year asserts that adults currently tend to spend less time for their family due to the new habit stemming from using technological devices. It alarmed people who pursue this trend that they are lacking soft skills encompassing communication and arts. Working at home in front of the laptop is not always effective. For instance, some people in the research about this new behavior conducted out last month revealed that they become inefficient since moving their job at home. There are multi fold household activities distracting them such as cooking, television and the neighbor.Secondly, children seem not receiving an adequate education to develop cognitive and physical features under this trend. Not only does the school teach art and science subjects, but it also builds up virtues for a student. Studying through a hightech gadget jeopardizes the child's future while a teacher cannot approach to explore his characteristics and orientate him. On a different edge, the school possesses open space for children to play and practice their muscle. Outdoor activities are curtailed at homeschooling due to the perception of risk to do with traffic, as well as parental increased wish to prevent their children from being the victims of crimes.Overall, I draw a logical conclusion that technology like a knife with two swords and working or studying at home with a technological device is not an ideal development. The advent of hybrid working and studying method is such a radical solution while everyone can utilize the tremendous benefits of both offline and online ways.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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Du Dat · Answer

Topic: Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible.

Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

My essay:

With the bombardment of technology, human behaviors have changed drastically. While advocates believed that it is a great human achievement in light of the fact that the elderly and the young can switch their duty from the office and school to their home, I suppose that the benefits of this development are eclipsed by its drawbacks.

Initially, this tendency makes people gradually rely on hightech gadgets significantly. The figure of Euromonitor at the early months of this year asserts that adults currently tend to spend less time for their family due to the new habit stemming from using technological devices. It alarmed people who pursue this trend that they are lacking soft skills encompassing communication and arts. Working at home in front of the laptop is not always effective. For instance, some people in the research about this new behavior conducted out last month revealed that they become inefficient since moving their job at home. There are multi fold household activities distracting them such as cooking, television and the neighbor.

Secondly, children seem not receiving an adequate education to develop cognitive and physical features under this trend. Not only does the school teach art and science subjects, but it also builds up virtues for a student. Studying through a hightech gadget jeopardizes the child's future while a teacher cannot approach to explore his characteristics and orientate him. On a different edge, the school possesses open space for children to play and practice their muscle. Outdoor activities are curtailed at homeschooling due to the perception of risk to do with traffic, as well as parental increased wish to prevent their children from being the victims of crimes.

Overall, I draw a logical conclusion that technology like a knife with two swords and working or studying at home with a technological device is not an ideal development. The advent of hybrid working and studying method is such a radical solution while everyone can utilize the tremendous benefits of both offline and online ways.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

With the bombardment of technology, (It is not a violent war, is it?) human behaviors have changed drastically. While advocates believed (wrong tense) that it is a great human achievement in light of the fact that the elderly and the young (That is off topic. It is not just about the oldest and youngest members of society.) can switch their duty (unnatural) from the office and school to their home, ~~I suppose that~~ the benefits of this development are eclipsed by its drawbacks.

You need to answer the essay prompt: . Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Pick one of the answers and then defend your position in the body paragraphs.

"I suppose" means you are guessing. It is very tentative. You need to state your opinion firmly.

The vocabulary is adequate, but you should use accurate words that have the correct clear meaning.

In general, your essay lacks cohesion and coherence. The ideas are difficult to follow logically. There are missing ideas, transitions and explanations. You write words like "tendency" "trend" and "habit" without mentioning what they are.

You need to be clearer in expressing your ideas. For example, do not use "technological gadgets." That is very puzzling. Use "personal computers and smartphones with access to the internet." The reader now knows exactly what you mean and they don't have to guess.

Initially, this tendency (What tendency are you writing about? You have not explained any tendency.) makes people gradually rely on hightech gadgets (wrong word) computers, smartphones and the internet. ~~significantly~~. The figure (wrong word) of Euromonitor (What is Euromonitor?) at the early months of this year asserts that adults currently tend to spend less time for their family due to the new habit (What habit are you talking about?) stemming from using these devices. ~~technological devices~~. It alarmed people (Which people? ) who pursue this trend that they are lacking soft skills encompassing communication and arts. (Your point is not clear. How did they lose these skills? What kind of arts? You need some kind of transition here. ) Working at home in front of the laptop is not always effective. For instance, some people in the research (Do you mean the participants in some research study?) about this new behavior conducted out last month revealed that they become inefficient since moving their job at home. There are multi fold household activities distracting them such as cooking, television and the neighbor. (One neighbor?)

(This paragraph is not well structured. You do not clearly separate distance learning from learning in a classroom, so the reader is totally confused.) Secondly, children seem not receiving (wrong form) an adequate education to develop cognitive and physical features (A physical feature is the shape of their nose, color of the hair, high or flat cheekbones, or large feet. How does using a computer affect physical features?) . under this trend. Not only does the school teach art and science subjects, but it also teaches moral values. ~~builds up virtues for a student~~. Studying through a hightech gadget jeopardizes the child's future (How does it do this?) while a teacher cannot approach to explore his characteristics and orientate him. On a different edge, (unnatural) the school possesses open space for children to play and practice their muscle. Outdoor activities are curtailed at homeschooling due to the perception of risk to do with traffic, as well as parental increased wish to prevent their children from being the victims of crimes.

Overall, I draw a logical conclusion that technology like a knife with two swords (I do not know of any knife that has two swords. Is this some kind of martial arts?) and working or studying at home with a technological device (unclear) is not an ideal development. The advent of hybrid working and studying method (unnatural Also, do not introduce any new ideas in the conclusion.) is such a radical solution while everyone can utilize the tremendous benefits of both offline and online ways.

Please review my IELTS essay part 2. Thank a lot!

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