Please Review My IELTS Essay (IELTS Academic, writting task I)

Question

The chart gives us information about British Emigration to five countries, from 2004-2007. It is evident from the chart that throughout the period, the most popular place to move to was Australia.

Almost 52 thousand of British emigrated to Australia in 2006, the numbers have fallen to 44 thousand by the 2007.

The next most popular country for British to move to was Spain, although its popularity declined over the time frame to finish at below 30,000 in 2007.

The amounts of migrants to New Zealand slightly declines, and goes down by 20.000 thousand in 2007.

It is shown that France and the USA have periods of growth and decline, the average number of migrants to USA per year is around 20.000. France have indicated more significant growth in 2005, almost 35.000 migrants from the UK.

To sum up, Australia still the most popular in 2007, the gap between these countries had not narrowed considerably over the period in question.

Can u kindly check my writting task 1 for Academic IELTS?
Thanks a lot in advance!!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

???????? ???????chart

What kind of chart?

???????? ??????? gives us information about

That is very vague. Tell the reader exactly what is plotted.

???????? ???????Emigration

The word is not a proper noun. Do not capitalize.

???????? ??????? five countries

What are these countries?

???????? ??????? ~~It is evident from the chart that~~ throughout the period, the most popular place to move to was Australia.

You have changed paragraph topics. Start a new paragraph.

Delete the first phrase. It is excess verbosity.

"Popular" is an opinion or judgement. Avoid "opinion" words. Describe the information without commentary.

E.g. More people moved to Australia than the other countries.

Read my advice about task 1 structure and vocabulary.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

???????? ???????Almost 52 thousand of British emigrated to Australia in 2006, the numbers have fallen to 44 thousand by the 2007.

Almost 52 thousand of British emigrated to Australia in 2006, (Comma splice error) the numbers have fallen to 44 thousand by the 2007.

Do not write a bunch of one-sentence paragraphs. That has no cohesion or coherence.

???????? ???????The next most popular country for British to move to was Spain, although its popularity declined over the time frame to finish at below 30,000 in 2007.

Focus more on comparisons. You are writing too much on the details.

???????? ???????The amounts of migrants to New Zealand slightly declines, and goes down by 20.000 thousand in 2007.

"Amounts" is not used for people. It is used for non-count items like coffee, salt, information and baggage.

It is bad form to mix tenses and numbering formats. It works against cohesion and coherence. Be consistent.

???????? ???????~~It is shown that~~ (delete) France and the USA have periods (There is only one "period" on the graph.) of growth and decline, the average number of migrants to the USA per year is around 20.000. France have indicated (not a good verb) more significant growth in 2005, almost 35.000 migrants from the UK.

???????? ???????T~~o sum up, Australia still the most popular in 2007, the gap between these countries had not narrowed considerably over the period in question.~~

It is incorrect to write any conclusion paragraph in Task 1.

Please Review My IELTS Essay (IELTS Academic, writting task I)

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions