Please Review My IELTS Essay For Task 1. Thank You!

Question

Topic:The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.My answer:The diagram illustrates the seven processes of sugar production from sugar cane. The process requires several stages with both manual and machinery works, though what is needed to produce sugar is only one ingredient.It all starts with growing sugar canes, which takes approximately one year to one and a half years until they fully grow. Then, these canes get harvested either by a specialized machine for cutting them or by manual work. Once it is done, sugar canes are crushed in a press machine to extract its liquid. Getting filtered and purified in a limestone filter, the liquid juice is now boiled in a large tank in order to evaporate the liquid turning into syrup. In the next step, the syrup is put in another machine to centrifuge sugar crystals from the liquid. Once these get dried and cool down, it becomes the so-called sugar, which can be delivered into the market.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote barely the minimum word count. That is risky because if the word count is not sufficient, you will lose points.

The diagram illustrates the seven processes (There is only one process - the diagram is a process flow chart.) of sugar production from sugar cane. The process (Which one of the seven?) requires several stages with both manual labor and machinery in a manufacturing facility, ~~manual and machinery works,~~ (unnatural, awkward.) though (wrong word, poor transition. The "one ingredient" does not really connect with "manual labor") what is needed to produce sugar is only one ingredient.

It all starts with growing sugar canes, which takes approximately one year to one and a half years until they fully grow. Then, these canes are ~~get~~ harvested either by a specialized machine for cutting them or by manual labor using a machete or knife ~~work~~. Once it is done, (You have missed a major step here.) sugar canes are crushed in a press machine to extract its liquid. Getting filtered and purified in a limestone filter, the liquid juice is now boiled in a large tank in order to evaporate the liquid turning into syrup. (not good grammar) In the next step, Which one?) the syrup is put in ~~another machine to~~ a centrifuge (The name of the machine is a centrifuge) which separates sugar crystals from the liquid. Once these ~~get~~ are dried and cooled down, it becomes the so-called ( completely wrong usage. "So called" is usually negative.) sugar, which can be delivered to ~~into~~ the market.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Advice and sample essay:

On process flow diagrams, divide the steps into larger stages. Each stage has an input, and an output.
The output from one stage becomes the input for the next.

Stages should be divided when the processing location changes, e.g. a delivery is required.

In this task, there are two locations: 1) the farm and 2) a processing plant. I have drawn the two major stages in the process.

Introduction:

The process flow diagram illustrates how refined cane sugar is made from sugar cane, a tall plant grown on farms.

Overall (main features) body paragraph:

Overall, there are two main stages in the process. First, producing mature canes can take a year to 18 months from planting to harvesting. Second, processing the canes in a sugar manufacturing facility takes a relatively short time and is an automated process consisting of five steps.

Detail (body paragraph)

There is only one ingredient in table sugar, and that is sugar cane. After planting, farmers tend the sugar cane plants until they are  mature and ready for harvesting. The farmer can cut the canes with a knife, or, on larger farms, a specialized harvester does the job.  The canes are bundled up and sent to a manufacturing facility where the second stage begins: feeding the canes through a crusher and extracting the juice.  The juice goes through further processing in steps two and three: purification and evaporation. The product is a thick syrup, containing crystals suspended in liquid. In the fourth step, a centrifuge is employed to separate the crystals from the syrup. These are dried and cooled, producing familiar granulated table sugar.

Please Review My IELTS Essay For Task 1. Thank You!

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