Please review my IELTS essay (CAM 14-TEST 2-TASK1)

Question

TASK 1: The chart below shows the value of one country's exports in various categories during 2016 and 2016. The table shows the percentage change in each category of exports in 2016 compared with 2015.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.MY WRITING:The bar chart gives data about one country's export values between 2015 and 2016 gained from petroleum products, engineered goods, gems and jewellery, agricultural products and textiles. The accompanying table depicts how these values have changed for two years.Overall, the majority of export earnings came from petroleum products and engineered goods, with about a half of total value. Besides, there was an upswing in values in most of categories, except for gems and jewellery.A deep analysis reveals that the changing pattern was clearly seen in textiles, with a significant 15.24% upturn from a very modest value (25 billion dollars). Following this, engineered goods experienced an increase of 8.5% from 50 to over 60 million dollars, which was roughly a half of changing figures in textiles. Petroleum products and agricultural products were ranked in descending orders with a rise of 3% from over 60 billion dollars and 0.81% from over 30 billion dollars, respectively. Apart from general trend, there was only a decline of 5.18% from 43 to over 40 billion dollars recorded in gems and jewellery.(178 words)NOTE: I have had difficulties in group the figures and arrange it... Then, it took me lots of time brainstorming how to write without using aforementioned words  . Could you give me some pieces of advice, please?

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Ng?c Minh 9178Then, it took me lots of time brainstorming how to write without using aforementioned words .

Which "aforementioned words" are you referring to? Are there some particular words that you do not want to use in your essays?

Ng?c Minh 9178 I have had difficulties in group the figures and arrange it

I do not understand. Do you mean you have problems when there is more than one graph, chart or diagram?

In this case, the table gives no more data than is on the bar chart. It just has more precision than you could calculate from the bar chart.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar chart gives ~~data about~~ (Just write what is on the chart.) one country's income from exporting five categories of products in two years. ~~export values between~~ 2015 and 2016. ~~gained from~~ They are petroleum products, engineered goods, gems and jewellery, agricultural products and textiles. The accompanying table lists the year-over-year percentage change for each category to two decimal places. ~~depicts how~~ ~~these values have changed for two years.~~

Overall, the majority of export earnings came from petroleum products and engineered goods, with about a half of the total value. Besides, there was an ~~upswing~~ increase in values in ~~most of~~ all of the categories, except for gems and jewellery.

~~A deep analysis reveals~~ (Oh dear! Task 1 is not about doing deep regression analysis or other complex computations. Just describe the information that you see. If you do some very simple primary-school math, you can get the highest scores.) ~~that the changing pattern~~ (There is no pattern in one number!) ~~was clearly seen in~~

In detail, the largest increase, from 27 to 31 billion, was for textiles, ~~with a significant~~ 15.24%, but it ranked last in terms of earnings value. ~~upturn from a very modest value~~ ~~(25 billion dollars)~~. Following this, engineered goods ~~experienced~~ (wrong word. Goods or numbers do not have experiences. Only people have experiences.) had an increase of 8.5% from 50 57 to 62 ~~over~~ 60 million (wrong word) dollars, which was roughly a half of ~~changing figures~~ the percentage change in textiles. Petroleum products and agricultural products were ranked in descending orders (That makes no sense. Earnings of petroleum products were first and Engineered Goods second in both years. Agricultural products was fourth.). with a rise of 3% from ~~over~~ about 60 billion dollars and 0.81% from over 30 billion dollars, (36 billion is over 30 billion and so is 45 billion. You need to qualify "over" and 'under." ) respectively. ~~Apart from general trend,~~ There was ~~only~~ a decline of 5.18% from 43 to over 40 billion dollars recorded in gems and jewellery.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Comments on this task:

In the two figures, the more important one is the bar chart. Focus the essay on that figure, and mention values from the table in the details.

When one considers monetary values, the important things are the big movers. If you have something valued at ten thousand dollars and it goes up by 2%, you have earned $200. But if you have something else worth ten cents, and it goes up by 1000%, you have earned $1. Which is more important, the 2% increase or the 1000% increase? So in this situation even though textiles gained the highest percentage, it still was relatively unimportant in the big picture. It rose from 12% to 13% of the total earnings.

The bar graph gives the income from five categories of exports (petroleum products, engineered goods, gems and jewellery, agricultural products, and textiles) for a country in 2015 and 2016. The table lists the year-over-year percentage changes calculated from the numbers plotted in the bar graph.

In both years, the highest amounts came from petroleum products, followed by engineered goods, jewellery, agricultural products and textiles. All categories, except for jewellery, had gains.

In detail, total earnings for 2015 and 2016 were $218 and $230 billion. About half came from two categories, petroleum products and engineered goods, $110 and $115 billion in the two years. Engineered goods had a 8.5% increase compared to only 3% for petroleum, so the difference between them in 2016 was just $1 billion ($62 to $63 billion, respectively). Gems and jewellry showed a 5.18% decline from $43 to $40 billion. Agricultural products ($32 billion) changed the least, and textiles had the largest percentage change, 15.24%, rising from $27 to $31 billion, nearly matching agricultural products.

Please review my IELTS essay (CAM 14-TEST 2-TASK1)

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