Please review my IELTS essay and how many band for my essay

I borrowed some ideas from you. Is this better? I find this essay is quite long. Could you help me correct and make it shorter but meet the standards of the IELTS essay.

These days, most school curriculums have classes on history,and some administrators feel that the history of the nation should haveconsiderably emphasis than world history. I totally disagree withthis statement as both country’s history and international history are equallynecessary for students.

On the one hand, there are massive reasons why local historyis significant. First, Every student is curious about the place and countrywhere they live. Thanks to the history, they can get a thorough insight intowhat events happened in the past and how their area was established. Besides,this is a compulsory responsibility of students to know and maintain theirorigin. Second, school students have an opportunity to understand theirancestors. The knowledge will help them know that how their ancestors defendedtheir city, against the savage invaders and struggled for independence. Forexample, they can pay a visit to museums, which store and display a number ofstories and artifacts in the war. Hence, they will look up to their peacefullife and express their deep gratitude to their ancestors.

On the other hand, every nation is involved in worldhistory, and it is impossible to learn the nation’s history without a deepunderstanding of world history. To begin with, world history help pupils widentheir knowledge. They have a chance to understand the major wars andcompetition among nations, which reveals why some nations are dominant, andothers are only emerging. For instance, they can watch news or documentary onthe Internet to discover the past of other nations. In addition, world historywill be a great innovation for them in the future. As proof, a good groundingin world history will prepare students for careers in international companies,as they can deal with global markets as well as better understand theforeigners they will work with. Since this is so vital for their future, theseclasses ought to be mandatory in high school.

In conclusion, I agree that both domestic history andinternational history are equally essential in the education of high schoolstudents. The first makes them proud of their country, and the second preparesthem for the modern world of globalization.