Please review my IELTS essay and how many band for my essay

Question

Topic: It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

In recent years, most people have argued that learning the past of their country is more significant than international history. I totally disagree with this statement due to the fact both local past and global past are necessary for students.

On the one hand, hometown ‘s past is one of the vital parts in school’s curriculum. Thank to the history of students’nation, they can get a thorough insight into what happened in the past and how their area was established. Besides, this is a compulsory responsibility of students to know and stay their origin. Moreover, school scholar have an opportunity to know that how their respectable ancestors defended the savage invaders and marked the independence of their territory. Hence, they will look up to their peaceful life and traditional values at the present as well as express their deep gratitude and pride to their ancestors.

On the other hand, the differences between students who study international history and normal students are completely clear. To begin with, world past is a distinctive innovation for students. It is a great chance for them to widen their knowledge about the world and grasp various aspects of other nations. In addition, global history is a beneficial step and condition for them in the future. For instance, with a wide range of knowledge about world history, students have more chances to work with foreign businesses and exchange the culture and custom with them.

In conclusion, though numerous people support school students to study domestic history instead of international past. Personally, I completely agree that both types of history are crucial and meaningful for undergraduate.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

In recent years, ~~most~~ (I have never heard such an argument, have you? Do not write sentences that are unbelievable.) people have argued that learning the past of their country is more significant than international history. I totally disagree with this statement due to the fact (It is not a fact, but an opinion. People do not argue about facts. You are writing your opinion on this subject..) both local past and global past are necessary for students.

On the one hand, hometown ‘s past (That is not the topic. It is not the history of one village or city.) is one of the vital parts in the school’s (Do you mean primary school, secondary school, or university?) curriculum. Thank (wrong form) to the history of students’nation, they can get a thorough insight into what happened in the past and how their area was established. Besides, this is a compulsory responsibility of students to know and stay (wrong word) their origin. Moreover, school scholar (wrong expression) have an opportunity to know that how their ~~respectable~~ ancestors defended their city against the savage invaders and marked (wrong word) the independence of their territory. Hence, they will look up to their peaceful life and traditional values at the present as well as express their deep gratitude ~~and pride~~ to their ancestors.

On the other hand, the differences between students who study international history and normal (wrong word) students are completely clear. To begin with, world past (wrong expression) is a distinctive innovation (That does not make sense.) for students. It is a great chance for them to widen their knowledge about the world and grasp various aspects of other nations. In addition, global history is a beneficial step and condition for them in the future. For instance, with a wide range of knowledge about world history, students have more chances to work with foreign businesses and exchange the culture and custom (That does not make sense.) with them.

In conclusion, though ~~numerous~~ people support ~~school~~ students to study domestic history instead of international past. (Fragment, not a complete sentence) Personally, I completely agree that both types of history are crucial and meaningful for undergraduate. (Undergraduates are university students. Are you writing about university education?)

Many of your words and expressions are not good English.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Here is a sample essay that you can study. I have tried to use your main argument points.

Most high school curriculums have classes on history, and some administrators feel that the history of the nation should have considerably more emphasis than world history. I totally disagree with this view, in that older children need to appreciate their nation's history in the context of the entire world, so both subjects need to be taught equally.

Every student is curious about the place and country where they live, and how it came to be the way it is. They can be proud of the roles that their ancestors played in establishing the nation, and how it developed. They are eager to learn about major events that inspired national holidays to be established and how their own country was formed. Since this knowledge will give students national pride and a sense of belonging to their culture, and make them upstanding citizens, these classes have to be mandatory in high school.

However, every nation is involved in world history, and it is impossible to fully appreciate the local history without a deep understanding of world history. Students have to understand the major wars and competition among nations, which reveals why some nations are dominant, and others are only emerging. A good grounding in world history will prepare students for careers in international companies, as they will be able to deal with global markets as well as better understand the foreigners they will be working with. Since this so important for their future, these classes have to be mandatory in high school.

To sum up, both local history and world history are equally important in the education of high school students. The first makes them proud of their country, and the second prepares them for the modern world of globalization.

Lyly261203 · Answer

Topic:It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

These days, most school curriculums have classes on history,and some administrators feel that the history of the nation should have considerably emphasis than world history. I totally disagree withthis statement as both country’s history and international history are equally necessary for students.

On the one hand, there are massive reasons why local history is significant. First, Every student is curious about the place and country where they live. Thanks to the history, they can get a thorough insight into what events happened in the past and how their area was established. Besides,this is a compulsory responsibility of students to know and maintain their origin. Second, school students have an opportunity to understand theirancestors. The knowledge will help them know that how their ancestors defended their city against the savage invaders and struggled for independence. For example, they can pay a visit to museums, which store and display a number ofstories and artifacts in the war. Hence, they will look up to their peaceful life and express their deep gratitude to their ancestors.

On the other hand, every nation is involved in world history, and it is impossible to learn the nation’s history without a deep understanding of world history. To begin with, world history help pupils widen their knowledge. They have a chance to understand the major wars and competition among nations, which reveals why some nations are dominant, andothers are only emerging. For instance, they can watch news or documentary on the Internet to discover the past of other nations. In addition, world history will be a great tool for them in the future. As proof, a good grounding in world history will prepare students for careers in international companies,as they can deal with global markets as well as better understand theforeigners they will work with. Since this is so vital for their future, these classes ought to be mandatory in high school.

In conclusion, I agree that both domestic history andinternational history are equally essential in the education of high schoolstudents. The first makes them proud of their country, and the second prepares them for the modern world of globalization.

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