Please review my IELTS essay about my ideas and reasoning

topic: art is considerd an important part of society as well as an expression of its culture. do you think it is important for children to be taught art? do you think children should be encouraged to focus on arts rather than other subject.

it is believed that art plays a vital role in every country as it also conveys cultural values. although there are sensible reasons to say that children should be taught art, they also need to have a balance of all subjects for holistic development.

Granted, art courses should be offered widely to teach students. This is based on the assumption that art allows youth to practice a wide range of skills that are useful not only for life, but also for learning. For example, grasping pencil, crayons, chalk and paintbrushes enables children develop their fine motor muscle. This development will help children with writing and other tasks that requires controlled movement. In addition, Art gives students a creative outlet that can help relieve stress and work through things happening in their lives. Such free expression is beneficial for overall health and well-being.

There should be the equilibrium between children learning art and other subjects. This is because studying other subjects can improve students' general knowledge about, say, chemistry, physics, mathematics which are in accordance with the development of scientific and engineering competence. Therefore, the corallary of concentrating on art in lieu of others would be the loss of critical thinking and problem solving which in turn may pose a risk for students' future as this can suspend opportunites in their later life.

In conclusion, art is necessary for students since it is useful to children's learning and well-being. However, the idea that students focusing on art at the expense of core subject should be discouraged.