Please review my IELTS essay :333 And can you score it too?

Question

TOPIC: GLOBAL WARMING IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST THREAT TO OUR ENVIRONMENT. WHAT CAUSES GLOBAL WARMING? WHAT SOLUTIONS ARE THERE TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM?

MY ESSAY BELOW:

Of the natural phenomena, global warming is notable for its detrimental impacts on the Earth. In fact, it is humanity that is to blame for this so they are obliged to tackle the issue as well.

The direct cause to the increasing heat over the world is the excessive amount of carbon dioxide, most of which is attributed to urbanization. Immigraters to cities arouse a need for vehicles provision, throughout time, the atmosphere is full of gas emissions including methane. Besides, the toxic air comes from industrial activities as well. Seeing that a number of factories now are boosting the manufacture in order to serve the residents, the producing process gives off more and more unused materials along with gas exhaust. As a consequence, it helps damage the ozone layers that protect the earth from sun heat.

In reaction to the hazard the world is at, people had better cut down on greenhouse gas production. Firstly, there should be investment on public transit to decrease the demand on individual transport. To illustrate, Japan spends a huge amount of money on the underground public train system . In addition, that trees are planted is the key to absorbing carbon dioxide as a healing to the ozone layers. Finally, since actions stem from will, campaigns, be planting activities or propagating understandings about either global warming or the environment, are vital as they raise the awareness of individuals about the danger they are facing .

In conclusion, in response to such urgent worldwide issue as global warming, a result of carbon footprint, nations should take drastic measures as soon as possible.

(268 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Of all the natural phenomena, global warming is notable for its detrimental impacts on the Earth. In fact, ~~it is humanity that is~~ we are to blame for this so we ~~they~~ are obliged to tackle the issue as well.

The direct cause to

The direct cause to of the increasing temperatures ~~heat~~ over the world is the excessive amount of carbon dioxide, most of which is attributed to urbanization. Immigraters (not a word) to cities ~~arouse~~ have a need for vehicles ~~provision~~, throughout time, (That makes no sense. You also have two sentences joined by a comma, which is an error.) the atmosphere is full of gas emissions including carbon dioxide ~~methane~~. 9Your subject was carbond dioxide, not methane.) Besides, ~~the toxic air comes~~ these emissions come from industrial activities as well. Seeing that ~~a number of~~ factories now are increasing their production ~~boosting~~ (wrong word) ~~the manufacture~~ (wrong form) in order to serve the residents, ~~the producing process gives~~ their operations generate ~~off~~ more and more waste products ~~unused materials~~ (wrong phrase) along with ~~gas~~ exhaust. As a consequence, it helps damage the ozone layers that protect the earth from solar UV radiation. ~~sun hea~~t. (Ozone damage is not a major cause of global warming.)

In reaction to these hazards ~~the world is a~~t, people had better cut down on greenhouse gas production. ~~Firstly~~, First, there should be investment on public transit to decrease the demand on individual transport. To illustrate this, Japan spends a huge amount of money on the underground public train system . In addition, ~~that trees are planted~~ planting more trees is the key to absorbing the carbon dioxide that we produce. ~~as a healing to the ozone layers~~. Finally, since actions stem from the motivation for change, ~~will,~~ (That makes no sense) campaigns, be (wrong word) ~~planting activities or propagating understandings about either global warming or the environment~~, advertising campaigns about the problem are vital as they raise the awareness of individuals about the danger they are facing .

In conclusion, in response to such an urgent worldwide issue as global warming, a result of our emissions of greenhouse gasses, ~~carbon footprint~~, nations should take drastic measures as soon as possible.

You do not have a correct understanding of the ozone layer and global warming. By far the major cause is carbon dioxide, and secondarily methane.

You can read one article from the UK and another from the US explaining that the depletion of the ozone layer is harmful, but in other ways than climate change.

https://uk-air.defra.gov.uk/research/ozone-uv/moreinfo?view=deleption-climate-change

Ozone depletion and climate change are linked in a number of ways, but ozone depletion is not a major cause of climate change.
As shown in the figure, the increase in carbon dioxide is the major contributor to climate change. Carbon dioxide concentrations are increasing in the atmosphere primarily as the result of the burning of coal, oil, and natural gas for energy and transportation.

https://www.ucsusa.org/resources/ozone-hole-and-global-warming

UV radiation plays a small role in global warming because its quantity is not enough to cause the excess heat trapped in the atmosphere. UV radiation represents a small percentage of the energy from the sun, and is not highly absorbed or scattered in the atmosphere especially when compared with other wavelengths, like infrared. But, ozone depletion is also concerning because it directly impacts the health of humans, and other living organisms.

Please review my IELTS essay :333 And can you score it too?

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