Please review my IELTS essay :333

Topic: people often think about creating an ideal society but most of the times fall in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?

Along with the development of society are increasing pursuits of an utopia, which has never been reached by human beings. If possible, I personally desire to create a community where people leave their egoism behind with the use of education.

In a community underpinned by excessive self-interest, eliminating this hole is indeed of utter importance. To commence with, egoism is deemed as one of the major obstacles to the evolution of humanity. Instead of being conservative about their wrongdoings, if people would be willing to be corrected by others in any context, the whole society would be able to learn as well as teach one another and consequently advance to a higher level. Furthermore, the disappearance of self-centeredness could prevent tragic misunderstandings. It is true that a myriad of relationships come to an end thanks to the absence of real sacrifice when needed; however, this would not be the case in this desirable scenario.

Although achieving an utopia seems to be an insurmountable problem, it is still potential as long as humans make the most of education. Either at school or home, early sprouts should be well-informed of the repercussions of selfishness. This could be approached by creating an environment where children have to incur feedback and negative comments; as a result, they are unlikely to be overconfident about themselves. Parents are also a contributing factor in the construction of one’s ego. On the grounds that offspring mimic them naturally, it is advisable for the adults to act as a role model of modesty and empathy.

In conclusion, I ascertain that the ultimate stage of a society should be featured by the absence of egoism among human beings. Moreover, education of young generation would be imperative in the pursuit of this utopia.