Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Hi guys. Here is my essay in IELTS Writing Task 1. Anyone's comments or corrections for my low-key piece of writing are genuinely welcome. I really appreciate any help you can provide.

Topic: The graph below shows the number of hours per day on average that children spent watching television between 1950 and 2010.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

My essay:

The line graph compares the quantities of average hours each day that young people took time to watch TV from 1950 to 2010.

Overall, there was an upward trend in the number of hours each day on average for juveniles who spent time watching television during the mentioned whole period. Moreover, the figure for television's viewing time reached to peak in the course of 60 years.

In 1950, the amount of average time concerning TV viewing by youngsters stood at more than 0 hours per day. From the first year to 1980, that increased significantly to nearly 4 hours daily.

Between 1980 to 2010, having a fluctuation of around 4 hours per day for the figure regarding time was allocated to television. Meanwhile, a peak of over 4 hours per day on average was seen for kids, then followed by a marginal decline to approximately 3.5 hours each day in the last year.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

Your essay is exactly the minimum word count, 150.

That is really not enough. Try to write 170-200 words for Task 1.

Use this site to count your words:

https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph compares (There is one curve. For "compare" you need more than one category or item being measured,) the ~~quantities~~ (wrong word. Incorrect.) of average hours (wrong expression. An "average hour" makes no sense. Every hour is the same as all the other hours. )each day that ~~young people~~ children took ~~time~~ t (incorrect. Your sentence already has "time", that is "hours") to watch TV from 1950 to 2010.

The graph plots the average amount of time that children watched TV daily in the period from 1950 to 2010.

Overall, there was an upward trend in the number of hours each day on average for juveniles (juveniles are teenagers, not younger children. It is not a good word here since the ages are not given.) ) who spent time watching television during the mentioned whole period. ("Mentioned" is not a valid word here. DO not use it.) Moreover, the figure (wrong word. Read my advice. I think you are trying your best to use synonyms. That is a not a good strategy for Task 1. In Task 1, you are given a graph or plot and you have to be as exact and precise as possible in your report. Unfortunately, synonyms seldom have the same meaning, so using synonyms makes your report quite unprofessional. )

for television's viewing time (wrong expression) reached to (wrong word) peak in the course of 60 years. (Read my advice about the word "peak". There is not a clear peak on this graph. "in the course of 60 years" makes no sense. If there is a peak, it happens at one time in the graph.)

In 1950, the amount of average time (wrong expression) concerning TV viewing by youngsters (That is another misleading synonym. Do not use synonyms in Task 1 unless they have exactly the same meaning.) stood at more than 0 hours (That is not a measurement!) per day. From the first year to 1980, that increased significantly to nearly 4 hours daily.

Between 1980 to 2010, having a fluctuation (wrong word. There is no pattern like fluctuation on this graph. Read my advice. It shows exactly what fluctuation is. ) of around 4 hours per day for the figure regarding time was allocated to television. (Ungrammatical. Regarding is a preposition. It is incorrect to put a full clause as the object of a preposition. Besides, "time allotted to television" is not an accurate expression.) Meanwhile, a peak of over 4 hours per day on average was seen for kids, then followed by a marginal decline to approximately 3.5 hours each day in the last year.

This is not a good practice task. It is too simple. There is only one curve. The authentic tests have much more information to write about - three or four curves to compare, contrast, add up or subtract. Be careful of using bad practice essays.

Please review my IELTS essay

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