Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Topic: With many problems of transport and accommodation in cities, some governments are encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?My Essay:It is a global consensus that the transportation people use and the place where people live is not enough for people's demand, so some governments suggest businesses travel to the countryside. I am totally against that the advantages of this issue are more than the disadvantages things.One evident advantage of this issue is the shortage of building houses to live in the downtown area. For instance, some residentials want to make a home for living or some places for entertaining as parks and shopping malls; however, the areas in the city are incapable of serving people. Moreover, it can easily for investing in education or healthcare because if we have more land, we can build more services for human life. It is clear that the business move to rural areas, they can not be responded to their work purpose. The most significant disadvantage if the company is located in the country is that it will not help city-based employees quickly move to work. It makes employee hard to move because their company is far from home. The distance from home to the company can leave employee on the verge of unemployment because of wasting oil money.Besides, it increases the traffic jams problem in the morning because a majority of employees need to wake up early to move to rural areas. For example, employee do not have enough convenient service for their work; in contrast, we waste too much budget for living away from home.In conclusion, regarding business in rural area, it brings a lot of downside for people's work. Moreover, it directly affects worker health if they often travel. So I believe the governments can change to other policies with the company.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

It is a global consensus (wrong word. A consensus is when a majority of people agree, or there is a general agreement. That is not what is in the task. The task says "some". ) that the transportation people use and the place where people live (wrong expression. A city is a place where people live. An apartment block is too. That is not in the task.) is not enough for people's demand, so some governments suggest businesses travel (wrong word - When you travel to another country, you are on a trip. Businesses do not go on vacation trips.) to the countryside. ~~I am totally against~~ (That is not a good response. The instructions did not ask about about your agreement with the prompt statement. Just answer the prompt.) that the advantages (ungrammatical sentence) of this issue (wrong word) are more than the disadvantages things. (wrong word. Disadvantages is a noun. You cannot use it as a phrase with "thing.") In my opinion. the disadvantages are far greater than the advantages.

You cannot look up synonyms in a dictionary and write them in place of the words in the instructions as an attempt of paraphrasing. The result is very bad or ungrammatical English. You have to use only the words that you know will be appropriate.

One evident advantage of this ~~issue~~ (wrong word) is the shortage of building houses (wrong phrase ) to live in the downtown area (I do not understand your point. The sentence is not good English) . ~~For instance~~, (wrong phrase) some residentials (wrong word. Residential is an adjective. ) want to make a home (wrong phrase) for living or some places for entertaining as parks and shopping malls; however, the areas in the city are incapable (wrong word) of serving people. Moreover, it can easily for investing (poor English. It does not make sense.) in education or healthcare because if we have more land, we can build more services for human life. (wrong phrase) It is clear that the business move to rural areas, (comma splice error, or wrong they can not be responded (wrong verb form ) to their work purpose. The most significant disadvantage if the company is located in the country is that it will not help city-based employees quickly move (wrong word) to work. It makes employee hard to move (wrong phrase) because their company is far from home. The distance from home to the company can leave an employee on the verge of unemployment because of wasting oil money. (wrong phrase)

Besides, it increases the traffic jams ~~problem~~ in the morning because a majority of employees need to wake up early to move (wrong word) to rural areas. For example, employee do not have enough convenient service (wrong phrase) for their work; in contrast, we waste too much budget (wrong word) for living away from home.(That makes no sense. A university student lives away from home if they live in a dormitory while attending classes.)

In conclusion, regarding business in rural area, it brings a lot of downside for people's work. Moreover, it directly affects worker (wrong form ) health (Do not introduce any new point in the conclusion paragraph. You did not mention health in the body paragraphs.) if they often travel. (wrong word) ~~So I believe the governments can change to other policies with the company~~. (The task did not ask for a recommendation or solution, so do not include one. Focus on the task. Do not stray off-topic.)

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Here is an example essay for you.

Many cities have experienced explosive growth in the past few decades, so they are running out of space to build new homes and the transportation system is overloaded. In response, city managers are considering asking businesses to move operations to the countryside. While this solution may alleviate some of the congestion, it has many serious disadvantages.

There are a few benefits that result if businesses relocate far from the city. The traffic patterns will change, especially during rush hour. Instead of all the commuters heading towards the downtown area in the morning and in the opposite direction in the evening, there will be a more even traffic flow.. Moreover, people will move to be near their workplace, leaving space for new housing. Thus, it seems to be a reasonable approach to solving the problem.

However, the negative aspects are extremely serious. First, companies are reluctant to take on the expense and trouble of moving to a new location. If the company relocates, many of their employees will quit because they do not want to have a long drive, and they do not want to move away from their family and friends. There are few people living in rural areas, so companies will have a hard time replacing their experienced and skilled workers who change jobs. If workers do decide to move closer to their company's new location, they will have a short travel time, but find fewer services such as healthcare and internet access. Also shopping and entertainment will be much less convenient.

In conclusion, there is a growing problem of crowding in large metropolitan areas, but asking companies to move to the countryside is very problematic because of its many disadvantages.

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