Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Please could you provide band score along with the review. Thank you so much.

Topic:

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible.

Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

My essay:

With the development of modern technology, it has become easier to work and study from home. In my opinion, this has positive impacts on our lives, although relying completely on them could be disadvantageous.

The advantage of using technology has changed people's standard of living. The major reason is that now people do not need to commute to work or school. This saves a lot of time for employees as well as students as they can connect to the internet and do their tasks comfortably from their home. Also, the spare time allows individuals to reflect upon themselves and bring productive changes in their daily routine such as going to gym and doing their hobby. Additionally, working or studying online makes the environment healthy as fewer people move out from their homes.

However, there are disadvantages of using technology. It impacts on health is of a serious concern. When people study or work from home, they become less active physically and increases the chance of developing health issues such as obesity, cardiac related issues. Therefore, many people are suffering from health related problems more than in the past. Technology creates distraction, for example, while studying or meeting on a Zoom call, individuals do not completely concentrate on their tasks due to engage in other activity.

To conclude, it is true that learning or working online can benefit people in a number of ways. it may also pose as distraction and concern with health issues. But people need to learn to not rely on technology and be more active.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote the wrong essay type. That is not good for your band score.

There are five IELTS essay types. The task you have is "Type 1" or "Agree / disagree".

But you wrote an advantages/disadvantages essay. That is not correct. Learn the different types of essays because each requires a specific approach.

Here is a lesson on the five types how to write an agree/disagree essay.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

navy hat 310Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

You did not clearly state your answer. You have to answer the prompt:

In my opinion, it is a positive development.
From my perspective, it is a negative development.

Next, give two reasons, one in each body paragraph, for your answer.

With the high-speed internet and personal computers, ~~development of modern technology,~~ (Modern technology can be electric cars or solar power. You need to be specific.) it has become easier to work and study from home. In my opinion, this has positive impacts on our lives, (That is not an answer to this prompt. ) although relying completely on them could be disadvantageous. (That is not an answer, either. )

You need to delete one of the body paragraphs.

If your position is that it is a positive development, delete the second one are replace it with a paragraph with another argument supporting your stance. You have three reasons. You need to pick two of them for the body paragraphs.

If your position is that it is a negative development, delete the first one are replace it with a paragraph with the most important argument supporting your stance.

The ~~advantage of~~ using technology (What kinds of technology? ) (Advantages do not change things. It is the use of computers and mobile phones that did this.) Using applications such as zoom, email, and the virtual classroom has changed people's standard of living. The major reason is that now people do not need to commute to work or school. This saves a lot of time for employees as well as students as they can connect to the internet and do their tasks comfortably from their home.

(Another reason) Also, the spare time allows individuals to reflect upon themselves and bring productive changes in their daily routine such as going to gym and doing their hobby.

(Another reason. But you need to explain your reasons with examples and more information.) Additionally, working or studying online makes the environment healthy as fewer people are on the road, commuting to work and school. ~~move out from their homes.~~

However, there are disadvantages of using technology. (Delete if that is your thesis statement.)

You have two reasons to support "it is a negative development" - health and distractions.

Its impacts on health is of a serious concern. When people study or work from home, they become less active physically and increases the chance of developing health issues such as obesity, cardiac related issues. Therefore, many people are suffering from health related problems more than in the past.

Technology creates distraction, for example, while studying or meeting on a Zoom call, individuals do not completely concentrate on their tasks due to engage in other activity.

You have to rewrite the conclusion. Restate your answer to the prompt and summarize the main reasons for your answer.

To conclude, ~~it is true that l~~earning or working online can benefit people in a number of ways. it may also pose as distraction and concern with health issues. (The task did not ask you to give advice. The next sentence is off-topic.) ~~But people need to learn to not rely on technology and be more active.~~

Please review my IELTS essay

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