Please review my IELTS essay

Topic:

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

My essay:

Advising young children that working hard makes everything possible is frequently told in some nations. This message provides a positive impact on the children as it motivates and inspires them to achieve their goals. However, it can cause some negative effects.

On the one hand, giving this message to children is beneficial in various ways. Young children have dreams they want to achieve from the very beginning. When adults encourage and motivate the young generation to pursue their dreams, it boosts their confidence and help them to achieve their goals with sheer determination and dedication. Another benefit is that will keep the children motivated even when they fail. For instance, when a child attempts to perform a task, they will encounter problems along the way. If they are taught commitment and perseverance towards the task, they will be motivated and not give up.

On the other hand, the message can yield negative effects on the young generation. When a child is not keen on a particular task, an adult keeps forcing them repeatedly to perform the task. The child will not be determined enough to do it and won’t achieve any success. Also, pestering children to work hard causes them to push themselves beyond their limits and effect their mental health negatively. For example, the pressure to perform better than others in every field has caused depression, anxiety and isolation in the younger generation.

To conclude, although it is beneficial to tell children to work hard with perseverance and dedication to achieve their goals. But forcing them will yield negative effects like burnout and irritation.