Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Topic: Some people believe that professionals, such as doctors and engineers, should be required to work in the country where they did their training. Others believe they should be free to work in another country if they wish. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

My essay:

It is irrefutable that highly educated people provide many benefits to their country. However, there arises a highly controversial topic of general interest is some think that professionals, like doctors and engineers should be apply their job in place which they have training while some believe that they can choose place for work in another country. This essay will discuss both these points of views and give some arguments about that.

On the one hand, it is fairly understandable why some support the idea that people who get a degree of highly education should find career in their country because they have relationship and accommodation nearby. First and foremost, the key rationale supporting this view is relation of them. They can depend on that like a chance to get a job with high salary. Moreover, it can be harder for them to begin their career without helping of family or seniors. Also, they could be introduced to well-known company by the trainer. For instance, student who just graduate with a degree of doctor, can easily apply in famous company with high salary by an introducing letter of his teacher. In my side, I think that working in place where did their learning can give them many favors and familiar feelings.

On the other hand, working oversea is also uttermost importance for a plethora of reason. The main reason of this opinion is developing career and increasing relationship. In another country, especially those developed country, they could learn new knowledge which is provided many advantages to their job leads to the income higher than before. Furthermore, circle of relationship increased and they may meet someone that can assist them a lot in their occupation or in their life. However, my point of view is starting with new thing that make them feel harder to facing with but in other side I think that can create motivation to a better life.

In conclusion, while it is apparent that finding job in their country may receive some benefits, it is undeniable that working in another country can also bring some advantages to their life.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

atule, there arises a highly controversial topic of general interest is

That sentence is not grammatical. A main clause cannot function as the subject of a verb.

Do not memorize these opening statements. It will not help your score.

atuleThis essay will discuss both these points of views and give some arguments about that.

That is not good, either.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote more than 350 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write around 270 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

It is irrefutable that highly educated people provide many benefits to their country. However, there arises a highly controversial topic of general interest is (ungrammatical) some think that professionals, like doctors and engineers should be apply (ungrammatical) their job in place which they have training while some believe that they can choose place for work in another country. ~~This essay will discuss both these points of views and give some arguments about that.~~

You need to write this paragraph again. The prompt asks you to "GIVE YOUR OPINION." Put your opinion in the first paragraph, so your essay will have coherence and cohesion.

Example opening paragraph: There are no "debates" no "controversies" or any such thing. There are only two different options. You need to present both sides. You have to take one position.

Professionals such as doctors and scientists sometimes get their education in foreign universities. After graduating, they can either return to their home country to work, or take a job in the country where they have studied. Although both options are good ones, I believe that they should work for a while in the country where they got their degrees.

On the one hand, it is fairly understandable why some support the idea that people who get a degree of highly education (unnatural - bad English) should find career (wrong form) in their home country because they have relationship (wrong form) and accommodation nearby. (I do not understand this point.) First and foremost, the key rationale supporting this view is relation of them. (unnatural - bad English) They can depend on that like a chance to get a job with high salary. (wrong form) Moreover, it can be harder for them to begin their career without helping (wrong form) of family or seniors. Also, they could be introduced to well-known company (wrong form) by the trainer. (Wrong word. Do you mean their university professors?) For instance, student who just graduate (wrong form) with a degree of doctor, (wrong phrasing) can easily apply in famous company (wrong form. Also doctors usually work in hospitals, not companies like Microsoft and Amazon.) with high salary (wrong form) by an introducing (wrong form) letter of his teacher. (Professor - a teacher is for high school or primary school.) In my side, I think that working in place where did their learning (wrong usage. People learn their entire lives.) can give them many favors and familiar feelings.

On the other hand, working oversea is also uttermost importance for a plethora (wrong usage) of reason. (wrong form) The main reason ~~of this opinion~~ is developing career (wrong form) and increasing relationship. (wrong form) In another country, especially those developed country, (wrong form) they could learn new knowledge (wrong usage. Knowledge is what you know already. We do not learn knowledge because we already know it. ) which is provided (wrong form) many advantages to their job leads (Ungrammatical sentence. ) to ~~the~~ an income higher than before. Furthermore, circle of relationship increased (wrong collocation. Bad English) and they may meet someone that can assist them a lot in their occupation or in their life. However, my point of view is starting with new thing that make them feel harder to facing with but in (wrong word) other side I think that can create motivation to a better life. (I do not understand your opinion. .)

In conclusion, while it is apparent that finding job in their homeland ~~country~~ may receive (wrong verb) some benefits, it is undeniable that working in another country can also bring some advantages to their life.

(I do not understand your opinion. You have to choose one, not both. e.g.

I believe that working in the country where they have graduated is the better option. Their professors can help them start their career by providing letters of recommendation, and they have friends who graduated with them who can help them get a starting position. )

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