Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Topic: In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry.

Why is this case? What can be done about this problem?

My essay:

Impact of not having enough food on people are one of the most topics provoking controversies in around the world. Some people state that agricultural developments could be of great benefit to servicing for food while others claim that many people still do not have enough food to eat. From my point of view, overpopulation is one of the factors and it should be seriously handled.

In reality, there is a growing consensus of opinion on the causes of increasingly inhabitants. One of the most striking points to mention is people’s lack of work. Apparently, developments of farming which mean that life in country is improved are responsible for increase of unit of currency leads to buying food is difficult for people who do not have job. Another critical factor which directly leads to this problem is that volume of demand of food is more than number of production result lack of victuals. In addition, as a consequence of lack of rigor of policy of government can have a negative influence on reproduction in family.

Firstly, governments need to introduce legislation, policies, and guidelines in order to ensure that every resistant can have opportunities to get a job. In fact, imposing certain restrictions on family planning is often regarded as an effective solution to most issues at both macro and micro levels. Secondly, authority can financially assist project and campaigns in expanded industrial area through the public budget. For example, inhabitants in countryside which is place have poverty of chance of finding a work can easily to get one with building a new office.

In conclusion, it is apparent from the arguments above that overpopulation is outcome of people’s starving. Nonetheless, compared with most other social issues, under different circumstances, building new area of office and make sure resident can have a job need to be flexibly evaluated.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The impact of not having enough food ~~on people~~ are (wrong form) one of the most topics (wrong usage - poor English) provoking controversies in around (wrong usage - use only one of these) the world.

That is not a good opening sentence, even if it were written in grammatically correct English.

Some people state that agricultural developments ~~could be~~ are of great benefit to servicing for food (That does not make sense - poor English) while others claim (Incorrect response. This is not a "both views" type of essay. There are not two opinions here.) that many people still do not have enough food to eat. From my point of view, overpopulation is the main reason, and the long term solution is for governments to forbid couples to have more than one child. (You need to answer both prompts. That is the only solution I could thing of for reducing the world's population, if that were the main cause.) ~~one of the factors and it should be seriously handled~~.

In reality, there is a growing consensus of opinion on the causes of increasingly (wrong form. That is an adverb. Adverbs cannot modify nouns. ) inhabitants. One of the most striking points to mention is people’s lack of work. (That makes no sense. The only cause of more people is that more babies are being born!) Apparently, developments of farming which mean (wrong form) that life in the country is improved are responsible for increase of unit of currency (That makes no sense. Units of currency are the Euro, dollar, pound sterling, and Japanese Yen. This has nothing to do with farming.) leads to (ungrammatical sentence. You cannot string verbs like this.) buying food is difficult for people who do not have a job. Another critical factor which directly leads to this problem is that volume of demand of food is more than number (wrong word) of production result (wrong form) lack of victuals. (wrong word - this word is archaic and not used anymore.) In addition, as a consequence of lack of rigor of policy of government can have a negative influence on reproduction in family. (That makes no sense. )

~~Firstly~~, First, governments need to introduce legislation, policies, and guidelines in order to ensure that every resistant (wrong word. It is an adjective. My watch is water resistant, not water proof. ) can have opportunities to get a job. In fact, imposing certain restrictions on family planning (That is not what you mean to say.) is often regarded as an effective solution to most issues (The topic is about one issue, not all issues.) at both macro and micro levels. ~~Secondly~~, Second, authorities can financially assist project (wrong usage) and campaigns in expanded industrial area (That does not make sense. I have no idea what you mean.) through the public budget. For example, inhabitants in countryside which is place have poverty of chance (ungrammatical) of finding a work (wrong usage) can easily to get one with building a new office.

In conclusion, it is apparent from the arguments above that overpopulation is outcome of people’s starving. 9You never made that point. It is not logical, either. People who are starving generally do not want more children to feed!) Nonetheless, compared with most other social issues, under different circumstances, building new area of office and make sure resident can have a job need to be flexibly evaluated. (That is not good)

Your arguments are very difficult to understand. You are trying too hard. That is a very bad strategy.

You can get a much higher band score, but not if you continue to write text like this essay.

You must stop trying to write high-level, sophisticated English. You do not have the grammar and composition skills yet to write complex sentences. You must write simple sentences that the examiner can understand.
You must develop your ideas with sound logic. Use your personal experience for examples.
Do not use words that you do not know very well. Many of your words are not used correctly.
Focus on the topic. Learn the five essay types and how to approach each one. This essay is type 5 - two part question.

Please review my IELTS essay

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