Please review my IELTS essay
Some people think that the governments should take a large portion of people’s salaries to pay for necessary public services such as roads and schools. Others feel that high taxes are a bad thing.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
My essay:
The idea that individuals should pay the majority of their income in taxes is received mixed reactions from the public; Some see it as a practical approach since the money could be allocated to finance essential public services such as transportation systems and education, others, myself included, believe it would only bring negative effect.
There are various reasons why allowing the government to take a large percentage of personal income is considered beneficial. First, the government can use the money to subsidize hospitals and schools, enabling access to affordable or even free treatment and education. This provides society with good health and high intellectual individuals, who in return benefit the community through working and paying taxes. Second, the governments can upgrade transportation infrastructure, which ensures everyday mobility of people and facilitates the production and distribution of goods. This also creates an environment that allows the economy to thrive.
However, there are still many oppositions to high personal income. They argue that this approach will decrease consumer expenditure, directly impacting businesses. This was due to people having less money and therefore began to spend less. In fact, recreational and luxury industries might face bankruptcy. In addition, the taxpayers might feel injustice as they did not receive the deserved money that they work so hard for, discouraging them from doing good at their job and even indulging in tax invasion. This can be seen in New Zealand, one of the world’s wealthiest countries, where the citizens had to pay more than half of their earnings in taxes. Although they have free access to education and healthcare, New Zealand is still in the top five countries with the most suicide rate.
In conclusion, while taking most of the individuals' salaries might increase the availability and quality of public services, it has a strongly negative impact on people’s psychological well-being.
Top answer
- "such as transportation systems and education" should be removed in order to highlight the later clause - "high personal income" : "income" is not a synonym of "tax", income means "salary" or the money you earn, which makes this sentence become off topic , it should be a statement announcing reader that this is the paragraph talking about negative effects of paying tax - "They argue that this approach will decrease consumer expenditure, directly impacting businesses. " : "decrease consumer expenditure" is another way to say "to spend less", therefore, these sentences are repeating each other (result->reason->result again) => They argue that this approach will decrease consumer expenditure as people have spent a huge part of their income on tax. This result would directly impact businesses, leading to recreational and luxury industries might face bankruptcy.
- - "such as transportation systems and education" should be removed in order to highlight the later clause - "high personal income" : "income" is not a synonym of "tax", income means "salary" or the money you earn, which makes this sentence become off topic , it should be a statement announcing reader that this is the paragraph talking about negative effects of paying tax - "They argue that this approach will decrease consumer expenditure, directly impacting businesses.
- " : "decrease consumer expenditure" is another way to say "to spend less", therefore, these sentences are repeating each other (result->reason->result again) => They argue that this approach will decrease consumer expenditure as people have spent a huge part of their income on tax.
- This result would directly impact businesses, leading to recreational and luxury industries might face bankruptcy.
- - "as they did not receive the deserved money that they work so hard for": they are paying tax, not receiving money - "indulging in tax invasion": Who is performing this?
- The people who pay tax or the government?
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- "such as transportation systems and education" should be removed in order to highlight the later clause
- "high personal income": "income" is not a synonym of "tax", income means "salary" or the money you earn, which makes this sentence become off topic, it should be a statement announcing reader that
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