Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.You should write at least 250 words.My essay:    We are living in a society where everything is changing continuously day by day. Some people stick to spending their lives doing the same things and avoiding change whereas others are of the belief that change is always a good thing. My essay is going to discuss both these views and give my personal view.   Admittedly, change has several noticeable advantages. Firstly, change helps people improve their living skills. People who change themselves in positive ways can adapt to a new environment or new conditions easier. Social surveys have revealed that 80% positively changeable people have more optimistic thoughts about their own lives. Secondly, adjustment can make people's minds open and comprehensive. Once a person allows herself to change, she gives herself an opportunity to learn and discover new things. Take Uncle Ho as a living example. Although he lived in a poor society where people lacked food and knowledge, he went abroad and endeavored his best to make a living, enhance his knowledge and find a way to revitalize his country. Thirdly, adjustment develops people’s personalities. It satisfies people’s curiosity and adventurous personalities.    On the other hand, not changing also leads to several problems. Firstly, staying remained prevents people from getting out of their safe zone. As a result, they maintain their habits and live the rest of their lives like robots. According to a social study, 60% of people feel bored and regretful because of what they have not done before. Lastly, people who always avoid change can be backward to the rest of the world. It causes their regret in the future.   In conclusion, I strongly support people to change themselves because of all the benefits this activity brings.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

We are living in a ~~society~~ world where change is inevitable. ~~everything is changing continuously day by day.~~ Whereas some people try to stick to spending their lives doing the same things and avoiding change, ~~whereas~~ others are of the belief that change is always a good thing. [ 1] I agree with the latter group. ~~My essay is going to discuss both these views and give my personal view~~.

[ 2] ~~Admittedly~~, Change has several noticeable advantages. Firstly,

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[ 1]: If you are asked to give your opinion, then you need to clearly state that in the last sentence of the introduction.

[ 2]: We use “admittedly” to concede a point that is usually against what we are trying to prove/argue.

The rest of your writing is somewhat vague. The structure of a body paragraph should be general to specific. That means, after the topic sentence, you present a point and zoom in on it by explaining it and giving an example if possible. Then you move on to the next point, and so on. Take a look at my replies in the following links to see what I mean:

https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayAgreeDisagreeYoungEnjoyLife-Older/bjnlwx/post.htm

https://www.englishforums.com/English/CanAnyoneCheckEssay/bwpzmg/post.htm

I suggest you brainstorm and jot down the ideas you come up with, and place them in the following two lists. Just write brief bullet points for now, not sentences.

Change is good because:

-

Not changing is bad because:

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Try not to write vague ideas. The more concrete your ideas are, the better your sentences will be. Post below.

Please review my IELTS essay

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