Please review my IELTS essay

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

My essay:

Women’s authority and employment have shifted remarkably in the last two decades. At present, many teenagers are in trouble with sociable problems, one of these is juvenile delinquency which is believed the increment is actually to the fact that married women spent much time working rather than taking care of their children. I am not a strong advocate of this statement because I believe other factors make the young become criminals.

A child needs parents’ upbringings and directions to grow up and be mature. The fact women always prioritize their jobs instead of their off-springs may make the children feel lonely and loveless. Children are rebellious but sometimes very sensitive cause it is just a normal biological phenomenon of puberty, so if the children are not being taken care of properly, they may easily go astray and hard to control. As a result, they will easily commit crimes.

The care of parents is crucial, but the societal problem can also make teenagers have unlawful actions. Nowadays, first, many violent films and R-rated movies appear, this kind of movies have a huge influence on children’s behavior. Second, children are more sociable now, so they can meet different people. For instance, a teenage boy has met a new group of friends, and that group invited him to involve in illegal activities that he didn’t even know about them, so if he did not recognize the problem soon, it would be too late.

To summarize, both the mother’s education and the social problem can have negative effects on the young. Women should spend time for working and taking care of their children simultaneously. And something should be done to create a wholesome environment for children.