Please review my IELTS essay

Question

Topic: The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.My essay:The following diagram illustrates the process of producing sugar from sugar canes. This process contains seven steps which start with growing the plant and end with sugar ready for sale.At the first step, it takes 12-18 months to nurture the sugar canes. After the plant grows up, the stalks will be harvested by a kind of specialized machine called reaper or manually by sickle. Then, the sugar canes will be put into the crusher which has a big roller pressing the sugar liquid out of the stalks. Turn to step four, the sugar juice is refined by a limestone filter, and the next step is the evaporation process which resulting sugar being boiled with high heat until the juice becomes thicker like syrup.The sixth step is removing the liquid to produce raw sugar using a centrifuge, and then, sugar will be dried and cooled until it is completely ready to be packed and delivered to every brick-and-mortar shop.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The ~~following~~ (delete) diagram illustrates the process of producing sugar from sugar canes. ~~This process contains seven steps which start with growing the plant and end with sugar ready for sale.~~

Read my advice.

Paragraph #1: Describe and introduce the figure, not the information in it.
Paragraph #2: Point out 2 or 3 main features. (selecting and reporting the main features)
Paragraph #3: Describe some details. ( make comparisons where relevant.)

In paragraph #2, you need two or three "main features." You only wrote one. I added two more as an example.

This process contains seven steps which start (wrong verb form) with growing the plant and end (wrong verb form) with sugar ready for sale. The longest step is the first one; it takes more than a year for the canes to grow to a size for harvesting. Three machines are required, a crusher, an evaporator, and a centrifuge.

~~At the first step, i~~t It takes 12-18 months to grow ~~nurture~~ (wrong word) the sugar canes. After the plants are large enough ~~grows up~~, the stalks ~~will be~~ are harvested by a ~~kind of~~ specialized machine called reaper or manually by sickle. Then, in the third step, the sugar canes ~~will be~~ are put into the crusher which has a big roller pressing the sugary liquid out of the stalks. ~~Turn to~~ (wrong expression) In step four, the liquid ~~sugar~~ ~~juice~~ is ~~refined by~~ put through a limestone filter which removes impurities, and the next step is the evaporation process in which ~~resulting~~ the juice is ~~sugar being~~ boiled with high heat until the juice becomes thicker like syrup. (No new paragraph)

The sixth step is removing the liquid to produce raw sugar crystals using a centrifuge~~, and then~~, The crystals of sugar ~~will be~~ are dried and cooled until it is completely ready for shipment. ~~to be packed~~. ~~and delivered to every brick-and-mortar shop.~~ (Packing and delivering are not on the diagram. The diagram ends with the cooling step. Do not write about things that are not in the figure.)

Please review my IELTS essay

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